"breaking the silence" | monday| august 4, 2008 | 8:59 am

OW. I have been one busy boy. It amazes me that a month can be consumed by something like work, in this case teaching, and even though it felt "long" at the time, once it's over it seems like it just flew. I didn't post at all during the whole month of July (though I did backdate a few little entries, including some pictures and stuff). I just didn't have the time or the energy. Where has it all gone? What have I been doing? Let me count the ways:

Spring Forward

The Spring Quarter ended the first week of June. I wrapped up the second time (and probably last time) teaching an all-Harry Potter class. For the most part, the class went well--though this group was strangely quiet and a little resistant to where I was going with HP. Hopefully, it will be the last time I will have to teach composition (though that is iffy depending on how long I end up taking to finish my dissertation). I think if I teach Harry again, I will have to really contextualize it and further link it into other discourses like children's literature, the war on terror, fantasy literature, and such.

Other than teaching, I was supposed to be working on my prospectus draft. The end of the quarter was my deadline, though I didn't quite meet it. I managed to cobble together a first draft (really, really, really rough) by mid-June and send it off to my dissertation advisor. It was a victory, albeit a small one. My dissertation is tentatively titled Technoqueer: Re/Con/Figuring the Horizons of Embodiment. I still haven't quite decided whether I like "technoqueer" or "cyberqueer." I do know that my dissertation will engage some of the central questions of the work I have been doing recently (in the last few years) on things like online representation and subjectivity, technological mediations of sexuality and race and gender, literature and film and video and other representations of technologically mediated bodies, MMORPGs like World of Warcraft, among other things. But this is all over the place. I have very different objects of study and haven't quite figured out how they all connect up. Yet. I also am having trouble figuring out what my methodological moves will be. My academic life and scholarship has been all over the place -- a jack of many theories but master of none kind of thing.

For the most part, all these frayings and confusions are reiterated by my chair's initial comments: "Let me start with a couple of large issues. First, I think it's not always as clear as it could be what the relation is between the frame (the intro and conclusion) and the three middle chapters. For instance, you give a list of figures you want to analyze (page 2), and it's not clear whether the chapters as currently described will include commentary on all these figures; if not, then why do the chapters focus on the specific figures they do (body hacker or WoW avatar, for instance; and which of these figures is represented by the sexual predator in ch. 4?). I think your dissertation is a bit unusual is placing such a strong emphasis on the framing material, so you should probably try to formulate what the relation is between chs. 1 and 5 and the 3 middle chapters, organized more around objects of analysis.

Of course, these are concerns I am already aware of and will hopefully figure out in the weeks to come. But my chair has been encouraging: "I think these are my main suggestions or queries. This is an excellent start, and I think you can easily get a strong prospectus ready on this basis. Please let me know if you have questions or responses, or if you'd like to try to set up a time to meet to talk about the prospectus." The irony here is that I use this very language when I comment on my students' papers, especially when I'm trying to say something positive even if the draft is less than stellar. Oh well. If you're going to dish it, you've got to take it, too.

Summer Leap

From the end of June to the first week of August, my life has been to eat, drink, breathe, sleep, and live GIS 140 Summer LEAP, an intensive four-week writing prep class for incoming student athletes. It's similar to the GIS 140 class I taught the last two summers for Early Fall Start, which I am not teaching this coming end of summer (I was not rehired even though I helped them revise the curriculum last year and was one of the more popular teachers two years running). The last weeks of June were spent working on the revision to the athletes' class. I really pushed to get the assignment sequences and handouts revised. They were really scattered and disconnected last year (when I tutored for the program). I spent over a week redesigning all of our course packet.

Summer LEAP, which I coined and which stands for Summer Learn + Experience + Achieve Program, is a different animal than the EFS class. The main difference, of course, is the target student population. I never really thought that I would like working with student athletes (given the usual preconceptions, prejudices, and sterotypes), but tutoring last year and teaching this year has been really amazing, challenging, interesting, fulfilling, and exhausting. The kids (which I use totally ironically since most of the football players are taller, bigger, and tougher than me) require different interpersonal and pedagogical tools: the class is team taught, the students often need more one-on-one interaction, they respond to competition and clear leadership, they generally have not been well-prepared for different kinds of academic challenges, they generally respond to difficult "school" work with apathy, laziness, insecurity, even oppositional behavior, and so on. It was really great to get to know them and to see them improve and grow and struggle and figure things out. It was also really interesting to team teach a class; I taught with my friend and roommate, Jane. It definitely requires a certain kind of cooperation, timing, and chemistry, which I think Jane and I managed to pull off.

Each week of the class practiced a different kind of writing skill, as well as introduced different academic concepts and discourses. The teaching part was pretty straightforward. Even the grading every night wasn't too bad. What was most challenging and draining was just dealing with, interfacing with, and getting to know the students. It's really hard to watch students whose college futures depend on passing the class just sit there and do nothing, struggle with the work, or piss away their resources. Most of them were fine. Some were more than fine. And then a few had to be handheld, cajoled, nurtured, chastised, even shamed to get their work done. The days that made me cringe were the days any of the coaches came in to handhold, cajole, nurture, chastise, and shame -- which basically all amounts to spittle-flying screaming. But this year's bunch were much better prepared than last year's cohort, and this year's group did not have the same level of behavioral and personality problems of last year's.

All in all, though, I had a good time and would definitely do it again. It's like summer camp. I like that we all became a big family in the end (dysfunctional and all). I like that the students are challenging and earnest in different ways. And I like that I feel like I am making a difference. And I particularly like the outings we took the students on to different neighborhoods in Seattle (these urban plunges were called Fridays on Foot); of course this year I suggested we take a tour of Capitol Hill. Hopefully, I will get the opportunity to teach the class next year, to sharpen up the class a bit more, and maybe get to lead and develop some new material.

Tell Me More, Tell Me More

I wish there was more to reveal, but my life has been pretty simple and pretty bare bones: school, teaching, and hanging out. What time I have outside of school and work is usually spent either relaxing in front of the TV (I even managed to catch a couple of Star Trek: Voyager episodes I had never seen), relaxing in front of my computer (I play entirely too many flash games on Kongregate.com trying to earn as many achievement badges as possible), or spending time with Greg. I have gone out a little, thought most of my immediate circle of friends are entrenched in their exam reading and process or otherwise busy. I am happy that Project Runway Season 5 is on (and I am particularly enamored of hottie mchottie Keith Bryce). I am still getting out and exercising in the mornings, three times a week or so (though I seem to be regressing in my running ability). And things are going well with Greg; less tumult and more quality time together (we've passed the six month mark with flying colors). I had really wanted to take a trip out East to visit my dad and friends. But the price of airline tickets conspires against me. Plus, I kind of want to take Greg with me so he can see my hometown and meet people. I think I'll try to head back in October for my (gasp) twenty-year high school reunion. Hopefully, I'll get a trip in to SF this summer, too.

For now, the plan for the rest of the summer is to work on my dissertation and more of the above. The fall quarter doesn't start till late September. So I should have time to get some quality writing done. I also have to plan for my upcoming classes: I am teaching English 250: American Literature, which currently I have planned as "The American Science Fictional Imagination," and a Comparative History of Ideas (CHID) focus group class on tabletop gaming, an introduction to gaming and gaming as oral tradition and an introduction to my game Tellings. (Yes, I have sunk so low in my desperation to play that I created a 2-credit class on the topic in order to get some gaming time in.)

If you want to know more about what I've been doing, take a look at the photographic evidence.

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"noah" | wednesday| august 13, 2008 | 11:01 am

APPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND, NOAH. Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!

"meh" | thursday| august 14, 2008 | 2:27 pm

EH. That's how I have been feeling the past couple of days. Super meh. It's a product of a couple of things: first, I had a very tiring and emotionally draining weekend; second, I have been eating like a jackass; and third, I am in dissertation paralysis big time. I feel kind of run over, actually. And everything I do seems lackluster. It's not that everything is 'horrible', rather they're just not quite right. Misaligned.

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"hot" | friday| august 15, 2008 | 11:12 am

T'S HOT AND IT'S NOT EVEN AFTERNOON YET. The temps are supposed to climb into the low-90s today, and I'm not happy about it. My apartment is not equipped for such temperatures, like most of Seattle, and these rare balmy days can make life sweaty and uncomfortable. It's not exactly the ideal conditions for trying to get work done, much less writing a dissertation. I just have to turn the fan on me and hopefully I can get some reading done at least.

But before I launch into turbulent waters: Happy birthday to my friend, Laura! Hope you have a great, great, great, and cool day!

I am in a state: I just don't know what to do with myself or how to get out of the 'stuckness' that I am in. Granted, any good cognitive-behaviorist will tell you that I just have to focus on what works, minimize what doesn't, and try to change the behavior. Alas, sometimes the 'fake it till you make it' just doesn't have the same ol' charm. I just feel trapped, indecisive, fearful, anxious, insecure, apathetic, and generally, ineffectual. I vacillate between beating myself up that I can't get over it and wanting to just give up altogether. It's not a good place to be.

I'm in an intellectual, theoretical struggle right now. My dissertation project is all over the place. My department is going through weird growing pains. And I am discovering a lot of my friends, my academic peers are also going through drama, scholarly oneupsmanship, and some strange interpersonal tension. Some of my friends are going through the exam process right now, like Jane and Jason, and are reading and prepping questions and getting ready for the coming fall deadlines. Some of my friends are post exams and are now winnowing their ideas and trying to formulate dissertation projects. I think all of this self-examination, which requires you to really think about your own work, your own stakes, and your own position, is producing really useful questions and answers and is also producing friction, anxiety, comparison, and competition.

Some of the negativity has been leveled in my direction, not necessarily directly at me or to my face. I have had numerous conversations over the past couple of weeks with people about how I am perceived, how my work is perceived, and how I am judged and taken for granted. It hasn't been pretty. In fact, it's been pretty shitty. Lunchroom politics, especially at this age, are ridiculous, petty, and counterproductive. It's no surprise that our department also demonstrates these kinds of schisms and behaviors as professors try to keep what they think is their purview, hierarchize their work in terms of importance or relevance, and exclude, devalue, or dismiss things outside their domains or not deserving of their attention. I have been told that some people do not think my work is valid. I have been told that some people do not understand what I do and therefore it isn't interesting or useful. I have been told that I am not theoretically rigorous enough, that I don't attend to certain issues, concerns, or questions enough. I have been told that I am not interdisciplinary enough or that I don't collaborate enough. I have been told that I grandstand. All of this is secondhand from people who are willing to actually talk to me, ask me questions, call me on shit, and treat me with a certain amount of friendship and respect. Even if all of the above were robustly true, how does it hurt anyone but me? Why not help rather than participate in the rumor mill? Why produce the very structures and politics of exclusion, superiority, privilege, and vanity that supposedly all of my colleagues are trying to address, challenge, and resist?

If I can ride my own vain train, I think part of what's going on is because I try to take a leadership role in the department, in my cohort, and in the things that I do. Granted, sometimes no one asked me to be leader. But no one has asked me not to be, either. When I try to do things, get things done, change things, improve things, or challenge things, I come off as being an asshole, as overconfident, as in-your-face. But that isn't my intent nor do I think my motivations are all about being right, being in charge, or taking over. I think people forget that I'm older, that I've been in grad school a very long time, that I've got at least double the amount of coursework credits under my belt, and that I've developed other experiences, skills, and values within and outside of graduate school. My goal is to use all of these things to make sure my graduate experience is the best it can be. Part of that is to give help or support or company to anyone who wants it or needs it. In my three years in my current department (though this isn't unique to just UW), I have seen a lot of generalized dissatisfaction and ennui but little proaction and enthusiasm. We are all trained in the negative critique but have left our ability to hope to fallow.

What does this mean for me? Not much really. I can only do what I can do. And I need to separate the neuroses and insecurities of others from my own. Easier said than done, I know. I suppose I should be proactive myself and should seek out some resolution on my own. Part of me knows that if I want people to respect me, I have to do the work. Part of me also thinks that I shouldn't always have to be the one to extend the olive branch or to rattle my spears. In the end, I don't like being talked about. But since nothing has come to me directly, it's difficult to act on hearsay or someone else's assumptions. Why does it seem that most of my life has been battling what others say about me, think about me, assume about me? All behind my back?

I guess I had more to say than I anticipated. And I guess that my dissertation woes are more tightly wound into my departmental woes than I thought. Why write a disseration for a discipline that doesn't care? Why try to engage in intellectual conversation and collaboration with a community that doesn't care? Or that has fractured to the point of near incommensurability? I guess I just have to have hope.

Maybe I should go watch more Olympics and play more online games. More later.

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"shet" | tuesday| august 26, 2008 | 11:55 pm

HAVEN'T FELT THIS BAD IN A LONG TIME. Suffice it to say, my life in the past couple of weeks haven't been the most fun, fulfilling, or productive. Today, this evening, is the perfect capper: I just got dumped. And though we part amicably, it still hurts. I was completely blindsided. And the circumstances are still a bit murky, shady, and bitter-tasting. No details tonight. I just don't have the energy. I want him back. I want him to find his bliss. I want him to hurt as much as I am. I want him to care. I don't want to be single again. I don't know what the hell is going on.

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