"summer solstice" | tuesday | june 21, 2005 | 12:04 pm

ODAY IS THE SUMMER SOLSTICE. The longest day of the year. It also happens to coincide with a full moon. It is a powerful day and a powerful night. Such a time is perfect for introspection, for charity and grace, for change, for rebirth, for magic, for welcomes, and for initiation. Therefore, in the spirit of the moment, I wanted to shed an old skin and uncover a new, fresh one.

It's been nearly five years since my blog has seen a change in fashion, in design. Now, on the cusp of my move and the start of a new chapter of life, I figure my digital life must transform alongside my analog life. I spent the better part of the last few days just thinking about what the new pages would look like, to what goals they would aspire (and if those goals have changed in the last few years), and how I would marry form, function, and feeling.

I came to the conclusion that I wanted a bit of simplification. I wanted a focus on the words, the writing, the entries themselves. I wanted a sleeker, a slimmer, a more elegant design (which is perhaps mirrored in my own desire to be slimmer and more purposeful in myself, both insideand out). I suppose the design signals a kind of maturity. But it isn't stodgy, rigorous, or bland. I hope what has been created is lively, bold, astute, and charming. It is easier to read. The navigation is very simple. There is a literariness, a bookness (hence the typographical flourishes) to the pages.

The old site isn't gone. I didn't want to eradicate the last five years and simply dump old content into new clothes. After all, this is a process, a transformation. The past is connected to the present, the new is woven with the old. In the next few years, before the next great reinvention, I hope more and more content is added. Right now things are very bare bones, but the site will continue to grow.

Bear with me as I polish and tinker and perfect. I guess this is just one of the ways I have learned to cope, to navigate great change. I create. I create because it allows me to control, to shape, to order, and most importantly, to imagine and dream. If I can think up something like the design of a letter or a border or an image, then I know I can handle whatever questions, curveballs, challenges, and problems come up in my life. Take a look around. Revisit old entries (I know I have been reading stuff from way, way back and remembering things I had forgotten). Let me know what you think.

As always, more soon.

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tuesday | june 22, 2005 | 11:01 am

APPY BIRTHDAY to my friend Jason H.

"musings on a quiet week" | saturday | june 25, 2005 | 11:28 am

T HAS BEEN A QUIET WEEK. I have done very little as of late except for go to work, hang out at work, come home, watch a bushelfull of television, sleep, and try my best not to be totally overwhelmed by anxiety over the impending move. Lather, rinse, repeat. I have tried to jog the rather sluggish routine a little by getting out of the house now and then. But, for the most part, I am playing an extended game of cat and mouse with my worries, cares, and dramas. I let me workaholic tendencies get the better of me. Then I don't have to think about things. I let my obsessive, must-complete-a-project tendencies do a makeover of my website. Then I don't have to worry about things. I let my latchkey kid, television as babysitter/opiate of the masses/embalmer of the mind distract me. Then I don't have to look change in the eye.

I recognize the inherent melodramatics of how I handle limbo, how I bob and weave through uncertainty. But it's my process. I do my best and I move forward as much as possible. For example, I have bought my ticket to visit Seattle. I am headed out to the Emerald City on July 4 for five days. Hopefully, the housing gods will smile on me and bless me with a great, a perfect place to live. I have already been trawling through craigslist.org, but I can't really move on any places till next month since I don't plan to be in Seattle till August. Thanks to friends and folks who have volunteered their friends and family to make sure I have a roof over my head during my visit. I intend to call upon their kindness and hospitality (and inside knowledge of the city). My goal is to live in the Capitol Hill neighborhood. It's going to be a whirlwind visit, and hopefully productive and promising. (I detest the ordeal of flying -- not because I'm afraid of flying but because the whole industry is cramped, stressed, uncomfortable, expensive, claustrophobic, and needlessly so -- and pray for a good trip.)

I guess I do think about things I'm trying to dutifully avoid, deny, or sublimate. It's only natural -- especially during quite moments like when I'm just about to fall asleep or I'm walking across campus or when I'm stopped at a traffic light. The past week has been particularly quiet because most of my usual circle of friends are out of town in Maine. I have been left to my own devices. I wish I could say that my time has been well spent. I should be doing a little more planning, plotting. I should be getting off my ass and working out, exercising more. I should be cleaning up the house. I should be clearing off my desk, which is cluttered with piles of this and that. I know, I know. I need to leave off with the shoulds and just be content or just do it. There is no try, only do or do not.

I definitely need to pry myself away from the TV. I watch entirely too much CSI, which SpikeTV shows two or more episodes every weeknight. It is an intriguing show. I can see why it is so wildly popular. It is at times gross, disturbing, a little too clever, or a little too predictable. But the characters are definitely likeable, dimensional, and interesting. Plus it helps that Warrick (Gary Dourdan) and Nick (George Eads) and Greg (Eric Szmanda) are really cute. Sigh.

I am lonely. I haven't said that in a while. I have been busy, busy, busy for the past year with school, my Master's project, work, students, teaching, PhD applications, and such. I have had plenty of interaction, connection, contact with others, and though none of them were necessarily "significant" in that special way, I got a lot of comfort and joy and camaraderie out of my life. Now, a month after graduation, I miss the hustle and hubbub. I imagine the feeling of between in between is also magnifying the feeling of loneliness. I am the only one going through this particular change, move, travel, adventure, and it's isolating. It also doesn't help that I realized in the past three years I have not been with anyone, have not had any kind of active romance in my life, that my bed (either here in the townhouse or the previous apartment) has not been shared. As much as I love this place and have gained so much from my return from San Francisco, I cannot help but feel like this little East Coast oasis has been a desert of a different kind. I want my love life back. I miss it.

I have done things. I have gone out. Last week, my friend Margaret and I went to late night happy hour at Franklin's, which was unusually quiet (though probably because the throng of college students have all fled to their respective summer homes). In fact, Margaret and I also went to Franklin's this past Thursday night, too. My usual Franklin's buddy, Ranetta, has been out of town for the past few weeks. This past Thursday was much livelier. There was some "important" basketball game on, which drew a throng. I ran into my friend Joe and Jess and Dan. It was fun.

Last Friday night was Guerilla Queer Bar at Fado Irish Pub (808 7th Street NW @ H Street). It was a good night. Margaret and Tracy were my escorts of the evening (my usual GQB groupies were away in Maine). We had fun. The ladies talked to many a gay man. As per usual, my mohawk was quite popular. And as per usual, I was flirted with by women and straight men. The bar was interesting, a little on the pricey side, but had excellent chicken fingers. Plus they have Strongbow on tap. It was good to see the GQB regulars. I told Karl and Amy, the organizers, that the next GQB would be my last in DC. They bemoaned the fact and suggested that I pick the next venue so it will be "Ed's Guerilla Queer Bar." Now, I have to think of a good place. The main problem with picking a site is that it must a) be in the city, b) be Metro accessible, c) be a cool place, d) be traditionally straight, and e) be large enough to accommodate up to a hundred or so thirsty queers and their friends (on top of the usual clientele). It has been suggested that we go to Hooters, but the last bar, Fado, was in the same neighborhood. Another alternative would be Lulu's, a Mardi Gras themed club, but that might really be way too cheesy. Anyone with good suggestions should let me know.

This past Saturday night, I railed into the city and went to my friend Nancy's "couchwarming" party. She had just bought a brand new, real furniture couch and wanted to have a little shindig. Any excuse is a good excuse for a party, right? I hadn't seen Nancy in a while, so it was a good chance to visit her. It was a great night -- cool, dry, breezy. I spent a couple of hours at her place and chatted, ate, and drank a little. It was nice to mingle with Nancy's circle of friends again. The party eventually moved from the couch to the rooftop patio of her apartment building. You could see most of the city -- the Capitol, the Washington Monument, and the Washington National Cathedral. After Nancy's, I stopped by my friend Emily's house, which was near the metro stop I needed. She was having a graduation party. It was very relaxed. I got to hang out a little with Emily, Jess, Dan, and Jody. I didn't stay long because I was pretty darn tired that night. All in all, it was a good outing into the city by myself.

I cannot believe that June is almost over. Time is flying way too fast sometimes. July will be a crazy month. I can sense it. It's interesting that my horoscope today says, "Keep calm, cool and collected, no matter what weirdness gets thrown your way today."

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"mohawk du jour" | monday | june 27, 2005 | 10:11 pm