For some of you, it's probably been a while since you've heard extensively from me (and vice versa). For some of you, you've probably heard muy extensively from me but not in any particulars. And for a select some, you already know the whole deal.

But, in the spirit of the long, long, long email updates I used to send out, I figure I would revive the form (albeit in brief) and let people in on some recent developments in the saga of my life.

THE GOOD

I am happy to report that I am closing a huge chapter of my life. I will be graduating with my Master's in English from the University of Maryland this May. Finally. I struggled with my MA years ago, from 1993 to 1998 in fact, and did not complete it. Three years in San Francisco, some trying to figure stuff out, and two more years of coursework later, I have finished.

I defended my MA Writing Project (an alternative to the traditional thesis option) entitled "Birth of the Cyberqueer Manifesto" (twenty-seven pages attempting to imagine a queer online aesthetics, politics, and activism) on April 1. Yes, April Fool's Day. I chose the date purposefully. The defense was forty-five minutes of sheer terror for me. It began nice and pleasant but then the really hard questions started to fly. But I survived. I passed. I am now a Master. As long as I finish out the semester, I'll don the cap and gown very soon.

The past couple of years has been mostly good. Great even. I'm glad to have accomplished something I started so many years ago. It's good to have been able to pick up that dropped stitch. Now, I have to turn my energies toward the future.

In the fall of last year, I applied to PhD programs in a whirlwind. I applied to seven schools: New York University and University of Texas - Austin for American Studies; UC Berkeley, UC Los Angeles, University of Washington, and University of Southern California for English; and UC Santa Cruz for their History of Consciousness program. I must say that I hate applying for schools; I hate waiting for responses even more.

As of this past week, I have heard from all of my schools. The score: Grad Schools-6, Ed Chang-1. The first six schools I received replies from all rejected for me for admission. UCLA, Berkeley, NYU, USC, UCSC, and UTexas all said no. UT actually sent two letters of rejection--nice of them kick a guy when he's down! My last letter came on Saturday in a clatter of the mail slot. I had a feeling that the mail was going to bring some sort of news. University of Washington's letter was in the small pile. It was a little bulkier than the previous letters. UW accepted me for admission to their PhD English program. Now begins the hemming and hawwing over whether to move 3,000 miles (again).

THE BAD

Decisions, decisions, decisions. I seem to find myself in quandry after quandry these days. I wish it was the case that I had opened the letter from UW and jumped with glee and called everyone and news stations to report that I had finally been accepted by a school. I wish it was the case that I knew for sure that three to five more years of school was what I wanted to do. Alas, I am still uncertain.

In part, I think my hesitance comes stems from the fact that I am just finishing up two years of classes. I am a little burnt out. As much as I love going to class and reading, I really could use a break from writing papers. In part, I think I'm a little school-shy simply because I have been rejected to so many times that the bitterness is clouding my judgement.

Finally, I think my proverbial biological clock (or socio-economic-cultural clock) is ticking. A huge part of my life is culminating, which is great, but the prospect of moving to a new city and starting over and starting school again is a little daunting. While I've been working on my MA, I feel like I have had to put certain things on hold or certain things have been circling. Though I have grown educationally, intellectually, and chronologically, I have really not grown socially, economically, artistically, and romantically. I'm coming up a "certain age." Do I want to be 40 and just graduating and just entering the workforce and just starting life as it were. There is a strong impulse to nest, to settle down, to find a partner, to start a family, to own a house, to make more than $20,000 a year, to buy grown-up furniture, and to have a stable place to call home.

So like I said: decisions, decisions, decisions.

UW was not able to offer me funding for the first year. I think if they had offered me money, I would be more likely to make the move. It would be difficult to move to a new city without a job and to find a place to live without a job lined up. Of course, I am pursuing funding opportunities. Hopefully, I'll be able to secure some sort of graduate assistantship for the first year.

I am not 100% sure that I am ready to go on for my PhD. But if not now, then when? (Or if ever.) I guess I'll just have to do a little soul searching. I have until the 30th to decide. If I can arrange it with the school, I'm going to go out for a visit. I know I like Seattle -- that's not the problem. I just don't know if I want my PhD bad enough.

THE UGLY

Well, there really isn't anything ugly -- it just fit the organization of my email.

I had made a deal with myself when I re-started my MA that I would graduate and then evaluate things. I'm obviously at that point now. So far there have been a few votes for me to stay or to pursue other things. The majority of people I have talked to (granted they're from school) think I should go on. What would I do if I didn't go on with school? Probably move back to San Francisco, get a job, and work on my fame and fortune. Really.

I guess if there is any ugliness about this time and place in my life it is the unavoidable sadness (and happiness) that comes with any kind of big change, any kind of growing pains, of death and rebirth. It feels like when I left Maryland for the first time for SF. I really don't want to leave behind my stability, my family, my friends, my familiar surroundings, my stuff. But I realize that I can keep much of it even in another city. I do know that living in the suburbs makes me unhappy to a degree. I hate driving everywhere. And being stuck in Hyattsville isn't doing anything for my love life. Something has to change whether it means staying here but moving into DC or taking off and living in another city.

Change is difficult sometimes. So hopefully as things suss out, I can make a decision I can live with. I also hope to solicit response, reactions, and support from the world around me. Any suggestions, advice, contacts, stashes of Vatican gold, or premonitions about me and UW are appreciated. Many thanks to those that wrote me letters, that said to keep hope, and that just listened to me moan and groan over the past few months.

Happily (if a bit unsteadily),
ED

Greetings earthlings,

After nearly two weeks of thinking and thinking and thinking, I believe I have come up with a clear and considered decision: I have accepted University of Washington's offer for admission into their PhD English program starting this coming fall.

I talked to as many people as I could, both in and out of academia. I went over my concerns. I went over my trepidations. I went over my hopes and dreams. And the general response has been pro-UW and pro-Seattle and pro-PhD program.

I notified UW on Monday of my decision. Now, the (slow) race to find funding begins. Thankfully, my academic advisor and honorable professor here has helped me with a few string pulls. I am on the waitlist for a teaching assistantship and other avenues are being explored. (I have come this far in my education without needing loans and I hope to continue that trend.) So far the decision hasn't woken me up in the middle of the night in sheer terror.

I am concerned about the whole move. I mean I have done the 3,000 mile transplant with no job and no home. I hope the move to Seattle will be as smooth, if not smoother than my move to San Francisco. Here is where I ask for help between now and my departure from Maryland. I have already had a number of people begin the inroads to foster me to their friends in Seattle. Any suggestions, insider info, contacts, and resources you might have in Seattle are appreciated.

My timeline looks like I will finish up the semester, graduate, work through most of the summer, and move sometime in August. I will probably be headed out to Seattle in July to get my housing situation resolved. My ideal is to move to Seattle about a month before classes start, which in this case is late September for UW, to set up and get settled. I would also invite people to plan a couple of visits for late August, early September. I figure if I have people help me move, come visit while I settle, and come help me explore the city, I won't feel as disconnected or isolated.

In the meantime, for those that are near and dear to me (particularly those geographically close to me), quality Ed-time will be on premium. Change is in the air. (And it freaks me out.) I want to make the best of it all.

Thanks for your support and for your advice and for listening,
ED