THURSDAY. 5:28 PM. Happy new year! Best wishes to all in 2004!

It's already late in the afternoon -- even though you'd think it was late in the evening since it's already nearly pitch dark outside -- and I'm still recovering from last night's new year's revelry and total lack of sleep. I'm tired. And I can't believe it's the new year. I guess I say that every new year's day. It's crazy.

I will write more. Later. When I don't feel quite so run over.

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TUESDAY. 7:12 PM. Every time I sit down to write about the past year and the new year, I find myself fidgety, uncomfortable, and depressed. I think the years have just made the time around new year's traditionally solemn, quiet, contemplative, and sad for me. It is a tradition that I can't break with much success. Granted there have been a few good years here and there, but the majority of new year's have come, jumbled up my heart and brain, and gone. The usual remedy is to just push through it. By Chinese New Year, all the grumbly, ugly, murky mess is gone, packed away, or solved and I can face the new year a much happier man.

I just don't have a lot to say. Actually, I take that back. I do have a lot to say. I just don't have a lot of articulation. Somewhere between the whirlpool that is my brain and me sitting down at the keyboard (or even my pen-and-paper journal), I just lock up. I'm all blah, blah, blah, um, err, so, yeah, and stuff. I guess if three NaNoWriMo's taught me anything, it's that I should just start writing.

Is it too early in 2004 to have a bulleted list?

• I am proud to say that my first semester back in graduate school was a success. Two classes. Two A's. I guess the papers that I wrote weren't so bad after all. I still don't think they were the best pieces I've written, but I guess my ideas shone through. Of course, I am happy with the grades. I am glad that there is hope for me. Now I just have to get through three more semesters (with a possible summer semester thrown in).

Here's a paragraph from my "Rhetoric of Science" seminar paper poorly entitled "Revisiting A is for Atom":

"On Wednesday, January 23, 1957, Walt Disney made the atom our friend. Our Friend the Atom, an animated film, was introduced to the ABC Disneyland television audience, the visitors to the recently opened Disneyland theme park, and the world beyond as part of an “unprecedented media blitz aimed at getting the maximum possible audience, as Disney felt that this was one of his most important projects in bringing science to the American public” (Mechling 436). However, Our Friend the Atom was not the first film (nor the last) to tackle the nuclear education of America. Five years earlier, in 1952, General Electric and John Sutherland Productions released A is for Atom, which may have been the inspiration and rhetorical model for Disney’s film. But without the brand name and distribution power of Disney, A is for Atom has all but been forgotten disappearing under decades of cultural sediment, becoming a relic of the past, a ghost, an “ephemeral film.” Today, the archaeology of the past is a useful and vital occupation, and the digging up, the re-viewing, and the analysis of forgotten films like A is for Atom provides another window (no matter how small) into history, into culture, and into the popularization of science."

Here's a paragraph from my "Myth: Theme and Theory" final paper called "Humans, Hounds, Horses, Mounds: Simultaneity in the First and Fourth Branches of the Mabinogi":

"Akin to the strong connection between human fertility and sovereignty and horses in the first branch, there is a strong connection between fertility and sovereignty and various other animals in the fourth branch. However, the connection is elaborated to include an understanding of the consequences of altering or interrupting the established connection. Gwydion and Gilfaethwy overstep their rightful places and their rightful access to fertility when they trick Math, their lord, and take Goewin. Their punishment is to live and experience the very fertility that they schemed for and stole. Blodeuwedd, a woman created out of flowers to be the wife of Lleu, oversteps her sovereignty and proscribed fertility by killing her husband in order to be with another man, Gronw. Her punishment is to be transformed into an owl shunned by daylight and other birds, and Gronw is killed by the very spear he used to kill Lleu. Both instances of unlawful sovereignty and fertility end in punishment and do not yield children. No child comes of Gilfaethwy and Goewin and no child comes of Blodeuwedd and Gronw. However, in the instance of the union of Gwydion and Gilfaethwy, which in a sense is sanctioned and commanded by Math, the coupling does yield children and children who may be given sovereignty, who may become heroes."

• I still do not have teaching for the coming spring semester. It looks like I'm going to have to find alternative funding or actually get a part-time job -- a prospect that has me a little disappointed actually. I was thinking about in the car today. I want to be teaching. It's what keeps me grounded in graduate school. It's what I look forward to when I go to campus. I'm not sure what my grad school life will be like without it.

• Last week was the obligatory New Year's Eve brouhaha. I really didn't have any plans for New Year's Eve. Most of my circle of friends here were going up to Hagerstown, MD (two hours away) to a guy named Ben's house. I went last year and really didn't have a great time. So, I was hoping to do something else. I was hoping to meet new people, be with new people, and be in a different environment. It is all about "new" right? But the rest of my friends were either busy, out-of-town, or staying in with their significant others. I was stuck between staying home by myself or going to a party I really wasn't excited about. In a way, I felt like I was trying to choose the lesser of two evils. Eventually, with the encouragement of Meredith (who said I should go and fuck anyone that was going to keep me from having a good time) and Lauren (who I called all the way out in California and who said that it was better to be unhappy with a bunch of people than unhappy alone), I went to the party. I went up with Cate, Skinner, Rob, and Dana. The evening turned out to be all right. I drank entirely too much, which was the plan. I managed to just sit back, goof off, be as obnoxious as I wanted, and chat with lots of different people. Fortunately, there was little drama (though two of the younger lads ended up being the Barfing Twins for most of the night). I didn't have anyone to kiss at midnight (I didn't kiss anyone at all actually), but I made up for it with hugs and singing while people were trying to go to sleep. The hangover in the morning wasn't too bad, either.

• Now that the holidays are over, I really have no excuse not to get to work on the pile of stuff that's been sitting in my proverbial "inbox" for months and months.

• I was hoping to get a bunch of things done on the house. But days have passed and I haven't touched anything. I did manage to hang a bunch of pictures along the stairs. I am planning to do some work with my friend Scott this coming Thursday and Friday. Hopefully, we'll get the finish completely done -- there are just some details left like putting in the baseboards on the cabinets, caulking, and hanging some shelves. Then the next big thing is the downstairs bathroom. It really needs to get finished.

• I need to get into the swing of working on Tellings. The revision work has lain cold since the middle of last summer. I keep flipping through the files trying to get a sense of what I was working on, but I just can't seem to find the rhythm to jump back into it. I may just have to start from the very beginning and start over.

• Now that the gorging of America is over, I can get back to trying to watch what I eat and basically eat better than I have been. The past semester really screwed up my eating habits. Then the holidays came along. But now I think I've got things back to normal. I've also started exercising with some regularity. Cate and I have been going out and playing tennis. It's only been a week or so, but we've played three times (including today in the very cold weather). It's good to be out and about. I really need it.

• I had an Archaea event this past weekend. Turnouts have been pretty small given the weather and the time of year. But we managed to play with only twelve people. I also sat down and wrote up a full-fledged narrative of the event. Basically, I take all that I can remember about the event and fictionalize it. It's not exactly verbatim -- more of an impressionistic sketch -- but it captures the action, the adventure, and the characters. Plus, it gives me a chance to develop the game world in far more detail than is possible at an event. I had a really good time writing the narrative. It took a lot longer than I anticipated. I used to write them all of the time. I don't know how I did it or where all the time came from. A sample:

"The Inn of the Ajamum Tree sat facing a small square just a block off of one of the main avenues that ran like a spine through Kyan. It was solidly built with exposed timber and white plastered walls. The Ajamum rose three stories and had the look of an old house that had been added on to over the years -- four times in fact, the additions jutted out here and there given the building a slightly overgrown look. A stableyard and stable building was the last to be added and occupied much of the rear of the inn.

Lusenne, a grey-haired, plump woman originally from the island province of Sarus, had her hands full and then some. Her maids and servingmen complained, in private of course, of all of the work. The inn was completely full occupied to the last room. Several storerooms and attic rooms had been cleared out to accommodate guests. An adventuring company calling themselves The Wardens of Dawn had taken over the inn. The Ajamum had never seen such business and all complaints aside, it kept everyone's purses jingling with coin."

But, if you're in the mood for some light fantasy, you can read all of it here.

• For some reason, I started a LiveJournal. I don't really plan to write much on the LJ. I really created an account so I could post on my friends' LJs. But, I suppose I'll use it for something like my answers to 40 Questions About 2003.

• Annoy the American Family Association, a conservative "pro-family" group, by voting "yes" in support of gay marriage. I don't think they expected the numbers they've gotten. Use a trash email address, though, unless you want spam about how you can preserve family in America. Good times.

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THURSDAY. 11:00 AM. Happy birthday to Meredith!

THURSDAY. 11:40 AM. I cannot believe that January is already half-over. It's unbelievable. And you know what they say about best laid plans... All of the things that I wanted to do before the start of school, which is a week and a half away, haven't really been done.

Though, I have spent a few days hard at work on the house. The top of the list was the downstairs half-bath. I pulled down the remainder of the ruined ceiling. I stripped the walls uncovering a layer of paint and three layers of wall paper. I got down to the drywall and the walls were in pretty bad shape. So, using plain old drywall mud, I textured the walls; it sort of looks like rough stucco. I also pulled out the very old mirrored medicine cabinet, which had been put in crooked. The hole was patched (by Scott), and then I painted the walls a clean white. Now all that's left is to put in the new light fixture, the sink, pull up the old tile, and put in the drop ceiling.

I also spent a day painting the upstairs bathroom. It had originally been a sort of off-beige, which made the bath look dingy. Now it's a bright white. Next, I have to put in a new light fixture and have my friend Scott wire an outlet for the bathroom.

The rest of my time has been spent hanging out at home or the coffee house. I spent a couple of days this week scanning a whole mess of pictures. My freelance client needed me to update his website and lent me his scanner. My scanner, for some reason, has decided it no longer works. So, with access to a scanner, I had six rolls of film to catalogue. Most of those pictures have been added to my pages. I've also put up pictures of the townhouse renovation.

I haven't done much else. But I am trying to get little bits and pieces sorted out. I went to Ikea yesterday to pick up some picture frames. I also bought two moulded plastic dressers; they are dark blue and white and match my bedroom colors. They were half-price, which is great because I'm really not ready to commit to big, heavy, expensive furniture right now. Plus, the plastic sort of fits the funky, euro, spacey style I'm looking for.

While at Ikea, I got a lot of stares. I'm always surprised by how something simple like a mohawk makes people curious, impressed, skeptical, or weirded out. Normally, I don't pay any attention to it. But, something about yesterday made me aware of the looks. Kids give the best reactions. I don't mind the attention. And when I was leaving the store, a mom and I assume her two kids were walking in. One of the kids was a grown man, probably college aged, was wearing a studded belt, wallet chain, and sporting a blonde mohawk similar to mine. We looked at each other. He turned away and said something to the woman and then looked back at me at least three times before disappearing into Ikea. It was funny. Two mohawks in one day -- the Ikea folks were in for a treat.

Today, I'm hoping to get more work on the house done. Scott is coming over to help me finish the downstairs bathroom. Then there are shelves to put up on the kitchen. If the electrical in the upstairs bathroom gets done too that will be excellent.

This weekend I am headed down to Jacksonville, NC, the home of the US Marine's Camp Lejeune. My friends Dana and Rob moved down there this past December. Rob was transferred to Lejeune. They just bought a house and a few of us are visiting to check out their new digs. As far as I know it will be myself, Meredith, Cate and Skinner, Jesse, and Owen and Kiersten. It will be an interesting weekend. I have never been to North Carolina much less the rest of the South. I figured I should take at least a road trip before the spring semester starts. So, this is my opportunity to have a little adventure. Plus, I've been promised the chance to mingle with some gay marines.

We leave tomorrow and come back on Monday. Hopefully, I'll have some good tales to tell.

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TUESDAY. 10:18 AM. I'm very sleepy. And I'm freezing. It's damn cold outside. It's a little bit of a shock after being in southern North Carolina for four days where it can be chilly (but not freezing) one day and warm enough for shorts the next. Damn, I'm tired. I went to bed last night around 10:30 PM and woke up around 9:30 AM. Almost twelve hours. I needed to catch up on some rest and try to sort my sleep cycle.

It's been a very busy past five days.

Last Thursday, Scott came over and worked on the house with me. We got quite a bit done. I put up some shelves in the kitchen; now I have more storage than I know what to do with. Scott put in the new light fixture in the downstairs bathroom and wired up a brand new electrical outlet. We put in the drop ceiling in the downstairs bath and installed the sink. The bathroom is pretty much done except for a little cleaning up, accessorizing, and finishing the tile work. The bathroom is a totally different space now though it's a little on the stark side -- white walls, white fixtures, and white ceiling means I need to get a bit of color in there. Scott also got the icemaker in my refridgerator hooked up.

Thursday night, Shawn came over and helped me shave my head. I wanted to freshen up my mohawk before roadtripping down to North Carolina. I also dyed my mohawk electric blue. The hawk is pretty long now. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. I really do like it, but it's a bit more maintenance than I like. Ah well. It'll stay until I get fed up with it. I might just trim it back some.

Friday morning, I packed and headed over to the Maynards a little before noon. We waited for Meredith and Jesse to show up. And then we caravanned down to North Carolina to visit Rob and Dana and see their new house for the long weekend. I rode with Meredith and Jesse. The drive took about seven hours through some very interesting countryside. There are a suprising number of abandoned houses, railroad trackside hovels, doublewide trailer home show lots, huge rich-looking churches, Woodmen of the World lodges, Piggly Wigglies, and scary nudie bars -- very scary. But the ruralscape made the drive much more interesting (including the listening to and singing along to various showtune CDs I brought with me including Once on This Island, and the Disney trifecta The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin). We made it to Jacksonville, NC around seven o'clock.

Jacksonville is on the southeastern edge of North Carolina; it's close to the Atlantic and the famous Outer Banks. It is also the home of Camp Lejeune and 40,000 marines. It's very quiet. It's very suburban but rural. It is most definitely a military town. There are marines everywhere. Most of them dress the same, look the same (the haircut is unmistakable), and act the same. Most of them travel in small groups, little cliques -- you very rarely see one by himself (the male marines are much more visible) -- maybe its the whole safety in numbers thing. Maybe it's the much more tantalizing brotherhood of marines thing. All in all, Jacksonville seems relaxed. It's too small of a town for me. Definitely a quaint place to visit, though. Rob and Dana's house is very nice. It's new construction in a brand new community.

Friday night, we went to dinner at a local cheesesteak place called Andy's. I gave up on my vegetarianism for the weekend -- I was in the South and in the company of all consummate meat eaters. After dinner, we hung out at the house. Odie arrived after dinner; he drove down from his college to hang out with us for the weekend. We watched Eddie Izzard's Dressed to Kill. I had never seen it. He is very, very funny. Then a bunch of us got sucked into an Xbox game Dungeons and Dragons Heroes. The women went to bed while the guys stayed up to play video games (an interesting display of gender norms). We had to wait for Owen and Kiersten to show up; they got to the house at about 2 AM. We didn't get to sleep till well after four in the morning.

Saturday, we got up way too early. Played some more video games. Got breakfast from Dunkin Donuts and Bojangles, which was very tasty. One thing the South does very well is biscuits and cheese, biscuits and sausage, biscuits and anything. We hung out at the house and watched a couple of movies -- Equilibrium (Christian Bale is pretty hot) and The Big Lebowski. Rob put together his new gas grill and there were tons of steaks to be had. After dinner, I didn't get to finish The Big Lebowski because I got called away to go to a local coffee shop & bar. After coffee, Rob and Dana had a little housewarming party. Alas, only three of Rob's marine friends showed up and they didn't stay very long. We ended up watching Eddie Izzard's Circle, playing more video games, and once again going to be very late.

Sunday, we got up a little later. We trundled out of the house en masse to go to breakfast at Waffle House. Then most people either went home or went to the mall to go shopping. Meredith, Jesse, and I decided to go see the ocean. We got directions from our waitress at Waffle House and headed southeast from Jacksonville. We ended up at Atlantic Beach, NC, which was only an hour away. The day was surprisingly warm though chilly because of the wind off the water. The surf was high and rough. We watched a couple of parasurfers (also called kitesurfing or sailsurfing) do some crazy stunts out in the waves. Then we drove along Bogue Banks, the southernmost of the Outer Banks, and headed back to Jacksonville. It was a fun little aside; I wanted to see something of the area since I had never been to North Carolina or the Outer Banks before. Plus, I wanted to visit the ocean.

Sunday night, there was more grilling. And then half of the group hung out in front of the TV and the Xbox. And the other half played Call of Cthulhu with me. It turned out to be a fun night of gaming. Again, we went to bed very late.

Monday morning, we got up, cleaned up, packed up, and headed home. We made it home in about six hours. I got home around seven o'clock and proceeded to vegetate for a few hours before crashing.

I am glad I got to get away from the area for a few days. Though the lack of sleep and the very rich food was a little rough on my body. Now I only have a week left before classes start. I have to use the time wisely. Hopefully, I'll manage to find a job soon.

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WEDNESDAY. 11:01 PM. It is Chinese New Year's Eve. Tomorrow starts the Year of the Monkey.

FRIDAY. 9:24 PM. The Year of the Monkey is already off to a rocky start. Damn unsettling primate. Monkey years are often erratic, full of change, and distracting. As a Dog, I'm in for a bumpy ride. According to Sabrina's Chinese Astrology:

Overall Forecast

I hope you have capitalized as much as you can from your good luck in the year of Sheep.  Unfortunately, this year will not be as smooth as you want it to be.  Due to the presence of some unlucky stars, you will be facing lots of challenges at work as well as in your relationship with friends, colleagues and family. (I already sensed this since the start of the solar year.)

This is the year of changes.  You will find yourself being transferred to a different location, or travel a lot for business.  However, you must remember to mind your own business and do not get involved in any disputes or arguments.  Most importantly, you must refrain yourself from visiting the sick or attending funerals.  Instead, try to go to as many weddings as possible this year.  Better yet, if there is wedding or celebration in the family, it will bring the good vibes and good luck and turn this year to a much better year for the Monkey. (I've been to a lot of weddings in the past few years. I guess it wasn't the right time.)

Bleh, right?

According to Chinese Astrology Online, my outlook is:

You were born on 5/6/1970, which was a Red Fire Dog Day. The Day Mater is Fire, therefore you are a Fire-type person. (Fire--go figure I would have the flame.)

Year 2004 is a year of Green Wood Monkey. The major elements in this year are Wood and Metal.

Wood is your Parent Star. When the Parent Star appears in your cycle, you will feel too much restrain from parents, teachers or boss, because you will get their attention. You might have opportunity to become close to the wise, sophisticated people or learn something from them, even in religion area. You become more conservative, patient and gain endurance. (I don't know about the conservative part. Though if I wake up and decide to vote for Bush, someone should kill me.) Sometimes, you lack of some confidence, cannot express your opinions well like before and then damage your fame or reputation. You might have to stay with parents or close to them often. If you are in school or doing the research, you will learn useful knowledge during this period. (That's a good thing considering I'm taking three classes this semester.) You should pay attention to your health as well, because you might have to take medicine for your body. So you need more exercise and outdoor activities. (I am already working on that...damn this wintery weather.)

When will these events happen? The energy chi of Wood starts from December 2003, pauses in April 2004, restarts in October, and peaks in November 2004.

Metal is your Money Star. When the Money Star appears in your cycle, you will earn or borrow more money to place in your pocket. (Been there, doing that.) You like to eat better food and enjoy the material life. You still have chance to lose money, because you might have to spend money to help senior relatives. You will think or worry about elder relatives, who may have relations with you. (Hmmm.) You might tend to disobey your parents, teachers or boss and keep the distance from them during this period. While you are in school, you might dislike memorizing your homework and make no progress in your learning. (Seems contradictory to above.) If you are a guy, this is the time for dating.

When will these events happen? The energy chi of Metal starts from June 2004. The precursor months are March and April 2004. The peak months are from July 2004 to end of September 2004.

Not much better if you ask me. But at least I am a guy and this is a time for dating. That might be promising. Though the prospect of love in the Year of the Monkey seems less than bright. And this would be different than previous years how?

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MONDAY. 5:21 PM. Today is the first day of classes. At least, it was supposed to be. But the weather decided to dump a handful of inches of snow on the area last night and shut the university down. I was actually looking forward to the first day, to returning to the routine of semester life.

The weeks off have been pretty good and I've enjoyed not being up to my gills in work, reading, and the constant have-to-be-doing-something mode. But I think the structure of a job and of classes keep me focused. Plus, having to go to campus almost every day gets me out of the house and interacting with new and different people. When I don't get out enough, I tend to spend entirely too much time thinking, procrastinating, and ultimately, quietly brooding.

More later.

THURSDAY. 1:31 PM. I am distressed by the fact that the times when I am supposed to be really happy, particularly for myself, I am decidedly not. In fact, the slow exhales of breath have turned into long, dejected sighs; the occasional blah feeling has become a growing melancholia. It might be the grey, cold, slushy weather. It might be the start of a new year. It might be the prospect of another challenging semester. It might be all of the above and a few more things thrown in like loose change.

I think one very real emotion I am having right now is disappointment -- and call me a big, uber-geek for saying -- because I really just want school to start, the semester to get rolling, and the reading and thinking and communicating and meeting of minds to happen already. Monday was snowed out. Tuesday, classes were cancelled at 3 PM for fear of the ice falling out of the sky. Fortunately, Wednesday went off without much of a hitch. I really like the start of the semester. It makes me feel like someone's handed me a blank slate and I get to do with it whateverI want. Right now that blank slate is still very blank. I just want to go, pass go, and even collect $200.

I just don't have a lot to say. And that's usually a sign that I have a lot to say; it's just all bottlenecked in my brain and can't get to my vocal cords or my typing hands.

I think I've just come to a mini-crossroads where I'm trying to figure out what is going on in my life, in my world, in my brain, and in my heart. I am trying to take a little inventory and figure out if what I'm doing now, where I'm living now, what I'm pursuing now, how I'm living now, and who I am now is what I ultimately want. Are the choices and the decisions and the plans I am laying and following worth it or should I change them? Is the life of a near-penniless graduate student stuck in less than ideal geography offset by the hope that school, townhouse, Maryland, and compromise will lead me to better things down the line?

I am very aware of the passage of time right now. It seems like the days, weeks, and years are just slipping by. Too fast. And I seem to only manage a very shallow experience of the year that just went. Time is flying like one big tablecloth trick. I keep worrying that a year will get pulled out from underneath me and everything will come crashing down.

I know the insecurity and the deprecation and the private ugliness is a product of the new year. But there have been factors, catalysts, that have sent me into major think mode.

Somewhere in the last month or so, I came to grips with a few people. It wasn't anything confrontational and didn't really have anything to do with them. It had to do with my perception of them and where I figured them in my life. I have laid three pretty significant crushes to rest. Actually, they were a bit stronger than crushes. Maybe they were infatuations. Maybe a little stronger than that. It doesn't seem like much. But the beautiful thing about infatuation is that it makes you feel great even if there is no chance for the feelings to go any further, even if it's just fantasy. And when you have to let an infatuation go, dissolve the fantasy, it's sad. Sometimes as heartwrenching as if you had been together and were breaking up. Three men, at independent moments, have finally crossed the line beyond. And though it's very much for the best, it leaves me feeling really sad, really lonely. Without the infatuations, I really have nothing when it comes to a love life.

One of the infatuations, I think, went deeper. Somewhere along the way, I think I fell in strong like. I'm not sure if it was love because the love was never realized, actualized, tasted, or tested. They were strong feelings nonetheless. And that's left a pretty achy spot in my chest.

I probably should talk about it, work through it, but I am hesitant to bring it up with most of the people I know. I don't know. I think in part because two of the guys I'm psychically letting go are part of my immediate circle of friends. I think it would be awkward. And I think my hesitation is also in part because the same circle has a tendency to just blow off most things emotional. I think I am afraid of ridicule or at least teasing (because that's the number one tactic a lot of my friends take when things get uncomfortable or tough). I don't operate that way. I need to process, and I need to revisit until its resolved.

I think most of my friends try to understand me, but I'm not sure they can empathize, which is different than sympathizing. "I feel for what you're going through" or "I'm sorry to hear you're feeling bad" is different than "I know what it's like to go through that" or "I've been there myself." Plus, I feel like I've been typecast in a way -- pigeonholed as the guy who goes after unattainable men, primarily straight men. For example, last weekend I went to an 80s party for my friends Meredith and Mindy's birthdays. The party was held at The Lodge, the house where two of my only gay friends in Maryland live. I always have a good time at their parties including the recent holiday Ultra Lounge Party. Unfortunately for me, the predominant population of their parties is straight and/or unavailable. It is at their parties that I met Zenon, a tall, goodlooking, muscular, kind of cheesy but charming guy. There are pictures of the party and of him here. He's straight, married, and just slightly homophobic. But at the same time he's friendly, flirty, and spares no expense at poking fun at me. He compliments me. He tells me I'm a good guy and that he's glad to know me. And even though I know there's no snowball of a chance in hell that he and I would connect on any level other than acquaintances, bartender-to-drinker, or friends, I can't help but crush on him a little. At least he hasn't started a sentence "if i werent" with me yet. I am sure that my friends more than noticed me and Zenon. I am sure that my friends are wondering what the hell I'm doing. And judgement or not, I am sure that the role of Ed-the-straight-chaser is setting up like fast-drying concrete.

The typecasting may not be completely unwarranted. I can grant that. But the issue may simply be a matter of statistics. All of the places I go, all of the parties I attend, all of the people I hang out with tend to be very straight. Statistically, if I find someone I'm interested in or attracted to, then they're probably going to be straight. Does that mean I stop being attracted to people? Does that mean I stop socializing? Does that mean I stop flirting (particularly when people flirt back)? I suppose I don't need to keep setting myself up like the headpin of a bowling rack. I suppose I could just keep my feelings and attractions to myself. Or should I?

I just need to better my odds. I need to put myself in a target rich environment. But how do I do that without divorcing myself from my friends? How? I am fighting a war on two fronts: on the one side, most of my friends are straight and tend to frequent predominantly straight venues (which is not surprising since the majority of the world is heterosexual); and on the other side, most of my friends are partnered regardless of their sexual orientation no longer need to go to parties, clubs, bars, grocery stores, libraries, Teamster meetings, pig roasts, or whatnot in search of someone. Therefore, I am stuck with very little recourse. I guess I just need to make more queer or queer-friendly friends. Plus, I need to find people who would be more willing to join my roving man-hunting party and who will take me, accompany me, and help me in meeting eligible people.

If wishes were horses...

Like I said earlier, I am feeling pretty lonely right now. I think the recent holidays past affected me more than I realized. I guess as the years go by and as the hiatus between relationships (or even the possibility of seeing someone) grows, I just notice that nearly everyone around me is partnered. I can't help but comparing and contrasting. I mean my track record with men is far from stellar. I'm nearly thirty-four years old and I still feel like a gawkish, geeky, inexperienced junior high loser when it comes to dating, relationships, and love. I know that life isn't necessarily about quantity. But when you have neither quantity nor quality, you can't afford to be very choosy. But, I haven't even had the chance to choose or not choose. My default setting is celibate, romantically challenged, wallflower alone guy. It sucks.

And right about this time the self-help, pop psychology crap kicks in. I should be happy by myself. If I'm happy with who I am, then I don't need anyone. I don't need another person to make me whole, contented, or happy. But I think a partner sure couldn't hurt, right? It's like the logic that money doesn't make you happy, but it certainly can make things more comfortable, easier, enjoyable, secure, and it certainly can open doors. I don't think any of my partnered friends would say that they would be just as happy, perfectly fine, totally comfortable if their boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse were suddenly gone. If they had the choice of being wonderfully content and happy by themselves or wonderfully content and happy with someone, I'm sure they'd pick the latter. Knowing that I can be my own person, I can depend on myself, I can fulfill myself doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to find a partner. Besides, our culture is inherently codependent -- functionally codependent -- we have families, we have classrooms, we have workplaces, we have governments, we have neighborhoods, we have friendships, we have ideologies that all depend on one another.

Isn't it true that whenever someone gives a single person advice and tells them they're good as they are, they're strong on their own two feet, they're happily single that someone is usually a partnered person?

I've just been reminded a lot that I am single and my probability for finding someone is low on the curve right now. The past few months up to this point have been decidedly couple-palooza. Ben and Stacy got married. Shawn and Christine got married. Ryan and Tina got engaged. John and Stacy got engaged. I've even noticed my sister talking more and more about the future of her and her boyfriend. There aren't wedding bells per se, but I don't think that's totally off the radar. Most recently, I found out the good news that Cate and Skinner are expecting their first child. Congratulations to all. But all of the nuptials and parenthood (as well as the everyday reminders) and interactions have got me feeling dissatisfied with my own lack.

I want somebody. I want love. I want a lot of the same things everyone else wants (or has). I want to come home to someone or have someone come home to me. I want call my partner on my mobile to check if it's all right for me to go out with friends. I want to shop for groceries or furniture or collective from-us-to-you gifts together. I want to go to sleep next to someone and wake up still beside them. I want to touch someone and be touched in return. I want someone special and I want to be special to someone. I want love, passion, beauty, intensity that is amazing yet simple.

Of course, it doesn't help that the President works steadily toward a reality that will keep me from demonstrating said happiness once I find it. Whether or not I want to get married, I believe I should have the right.

So, what do I do about it? Well, part of the answer goes back to the questions I posed earlier about what I want to do with my life, where I want to be, and what am I willing to change or endure or get rid of?

School has started up again. My semester already looks like it's stacked pretty high. I am taking three classes: ENGL758A, a seminar on literary criticism and theory called "Queer(ing) Citizenship", ENGL668K, a readings course in digital studies, and ENGL689, a writing workshop on creative non-fiction taught by my mentor and favorite people Michael Olmert. The seminar on queer citizenship is probably going to kick my ass all over the place. The reading list is immense; the professor even emailed us stuff to read before the first day of classes. Digital studies seems really interesting, complex, and will probably take up a lot of time, too. Alenda recommended the class to me. Plus I'm participating in digital textual culture by maintaining a web log. If you want to keep up with what we're discussing in class, you can read the ENGL668K blog. Finally, the writing workshop should be a lot of fun, time consuming, but not necessarily difficult. I'll get a chance to write the kind of writing I admire and aspire to write. The course is based on the work of John McPhee. I've already read a number of McPhee's books, and I currently use A Sense of Where You Are in my English 101 class.

Speaking of which, I did get hired to teach for the spring. I got a call from the English department late last Friday afternoon. They offered me one section of English 101. I spent the weekend getting all my materials together and making the necessary arrangements to run the class. I even built a website for my class.

I realized again over the break that I really enjoy being in the classroom. After a few weeks of not teaching, I forgot how much fun it is to talk to students, to lead discussions, to ask questions, to think about answers, and to generally try to educate, inspire, and entertain. I did a Speakers Bureau over winter break for a family studies class on relationships (can we say irony?). It was a lot of fun. The class was very responsive and asked a lot of questions. They reacted well to the panel and to me. Just being there made me want to be teaching again.

I am glad that I got a section of English 101. It will be a breeze. The Freshman Writing office is glad to have me back, which makes me feel good. Someone in my office even introduced me to the guilty pleasure slash scary too-much-information-but-I've-got-to-know pleasure of www.RateMyProfessors.com.

On top of classes and teaching, I have been looking for other alternatives for funding. Over winter break, I applied for a number of other graduate assistantships on campus. I love teaching and being a lecturer, but it just doesn't pay enough nor cover enough of my tuition. This past week, I got an interview with the Division of Letters and Sciences, the office where my sister worked for the first year of graduate school. The interview was for a position as a graduate academic advisor. I interviewed on Tuesday morning. By Tuesday afternoon, I was offered the assistantship. Again, it feels good to be recognized and to be wanted for my skills and abilities and experience. I am waiting on the formal offer and to sign the paperwork, but the position will give me additional income, give me full tuition remission, and will also insure I have a job over the summer. It will be different to return to an office job. The upsides are that it's only twenty hours a week (ostensibly), I get experience advising undergraduates, I get to work with freshmen from a completely different point of view, and I should still be able to teach at least one section a semester.

I will be a very busy man.

So, it seems that finishing my degree, focusing on graduate school, and working on teaching and my new job are at the top of the to do list. It means staying in the area for at least another year and a half. It probably means staying at the townhouse. But where does that leave the other stuff? Can I balance graduate life with the rest of my life? Can I make time and room and resources to do things like meet the man of my dreams (or at least one of them)? I suppose the answer is yes.

I just have to figure out how to wrangle things so that I'm not left with an either/or situation but one that is both/and.

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