I have also started watching Alias on CBS. I find the cloak-and-dagger spy stuff exhilarating and the main character to be complex, soft, funny, hard, sexy, superhuman, and always fashionable. She vaguely reminds me of the original Pink Ranger mixed with Julia Roberts. But she's definitely holding her own. I think that as I'm writing my own techno-thriller story, the Alias plot lines and uber-intelligence organizations and James Bond gadgetry are feeding my imagination right now. Plus, who doesn't like a good television show with some hard techno grooves? I love the intertitles in the show. I love the SD6 tech guy. Plus, Michael Vartan is cute and so is the guy that plays Will, the reporter, who I swear reminds me of a grown up Oz (Seth Green). (Though you can really tell the Felicity moments in the show particularly when Sydney is in her Crate & Barrel perfect home.)

On Wednesday nights, I find myself tuning into Enterprise. I think I watch the show sheerly out of franchise loyalty. I am not really impressed but I am entertained enough to give the show a chance. I honestly think the universe has been too long in the hands of Rick Berman and Brannon Braga way too long. The Star Trek franchise (and it is) has gone the way of The X-Files (a show which I really have no interest in anymore) -- a single creative vision made by a single creative body eventually becomes repetative, predictable, and safe. I think Enterprise is already too familiar, too easy, too old. Maybe things will change, but I doubt it. Seriously, the pilot already messed with the time-space continuum. To me, that doesn't bode well for the creative longevity of the show. But like a bad shuttlecraft accident, I watch.

Finally, I have indulged in yet another WB creation -- Smallville (oh will we ever escape from 50s nostalgia? Will I ever let it go?). I must say that the WB has their teen drama formula down pat: cute boys, cute girls, luxuriant sets, long slow pan shots set to ballad alternative rock songs. But I'm intrigued by the show and by this retelling of one of America's greatest myths. (If you can get past John Schneider of Bo Duke fame as Jonathan Kent...he's not that bad, acutally.) Being my queer studies self, I am fascinated by the relationship the show has already set up between Clark Kent and Lex Luthor. I wonder if there has been any work done on homosocial relationships across protagonist-antagonist (hero/nemesis) pairings rather than the traditional buddy pairings. Clark saves Lex from drowning in the first episode. And what better way to start off a queer subtext than with a kiss (mouth-to-mouth resuscitation). They have a lot of "looks" -- those smoldering "Who are you? I want to understand you" looks. In fact, Lex says, "We have a future, Clark. And I don't want anything to stand in the way of friendship." Of course, we know this to be irony since the two will become bitter enemies. Should I even start with Lex (Michael Rosenbaum)? It's totally all right for him to be coded queer because he's the villain -- following the tradition of Samson and Delilah, what does losing all of your hair mean? It's still tantalizing to me. Plus, Clark (Tom Welling) is the perfect example of the hypermasculine man (he is super after all) who is feminized just enough (the moppy haircut, the very large eyes, the gawkishness, and the sentimental pining over an unattainable girl) so he isn't all muscle and testosterone. Though, I'm not sure if I were a student at Smallville High that I would believe Clark to be a freshman. He's pretty healthy for a fifteen year old. Then again he is from Krypton.

In the end, I am happy to consume it all.

As for the big screen, I haven't had much time or money to indulge the cinema. What was the last movie I saw in the theatre? It's been so long I can't remember -- awful, I know. But I look forward to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in November and of course the first installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Fellowship of the Ring, which gives me chills every time I watch the theatrical trailer.

I've taken a break from reading. I was voraciously reading earlier this year. I decided that I would reread the entirety of the Robert Jordan Wheel of Time series. Eight books (the ninth was just released and I'm waiting for it in paperback). An average of a thousand pages a book. It was fun for about the first four novels. Then the rest was grueling at times but I was determined to finish it. Someone needs to smack Jordan's editor for letting him ramble on and on and on. I've picked up the Lord of the Rings again, though. I want to read them again before the movie comes out.

BEATING A DEAD HORSE (WITH YOUR FOREHEAD)

I guess it's time for old business. Though I seem to have filled up my days and nights will a lot of running around, clackity-clackity at the keyboard, napping and schmoozing, the constants of my life are still pretty constant. I am trying to change it. As Dr. Phil says, you won't change unless you change.

I am still in my Mission flat. Almost three years. Incredible, yes? This is the longest I've lived anywhere other than my familial home. I'm here for the duration. I hope I will be walking along Dolores Street one day and a nice woman will see me and offer me a fantastic one bedroom apartment overlooking the park for mere pittance simply because she liked the shade of my spikey hair (telling me it reminded her of her favorite pet while growing up in the jungles of Madagascar). My living situation hasn't changed much. My relationship with my roommate (yes it is still Sarah) hasn't changed much except she's hardly home, the food in the refridgerator is all mine, and we send in our rent checks in separate envelopes. Until the new job comes along, I don't think I will be moving. I am ready though. I am done with this space.

My Tellings group still meets. It fluctuates in size. We interviewed a new player who joined us for a month and then literally vanished off the face of the planet -- no calls, no emails, nothing. I'm hoping he has been swept away on the adventure of a lifetime and after he's gotten used to being an overnight billionaire, he'll remember me and be my patron. My friend Dustin re-joined the group, which is a good thing. And we play every other week now rather than every week. It's not what I'm used to and it's not what I'd rather, but people have been wanting some time off. Mainly, my friend Nathan needing the extra time to plan his wedding or something -- whatever -- I'm kidding, of course.

My romantic life is still a sore subject, but one I'm always glad to gab on about, and better left to gossip and speculative fiction rather than reality. Someday my prince will come... But speaking of changing and breaking cycles, this is the first year since I came out in 1995 that I did not meet someone in the early fall (usually late September), date them for a handful of weeks, get horribly invested, and then ultimately crushed between the monster cars of heartbreak. This year, I coasted through those tenuous weeks dodging Scylla and Charybdis and succeeded in remaining single... hooray?!? Actually, I think it is a sign that I am a different person even by small degrees, that the usual patterns are giving way to new opportunities. I went through a stretch there though where I really pined pretty hot and heavy for any kind of romantic affirmation. I think I just threw my infatuation into Oz and Angel and Will and Clark. My friend Murphy described me in an email he sent me (which was amazing and probably the nicest thing anyone has sent me in a long time) as "intelligent, moody, opinionated, sensitive, sweet, single." Sad but true. So what do I do about it? Nothing I guess. He will find me.

A few weeks ago, San Francisco had an honest to goodness thunderstorm. It rained. It blew. It flashed and roared. It was the first thunderstorm of its magnitude for years (and it happened just around the time the tornado hit Maryland). It was an amazing treat to sit in a powerless apartment listening to it rain and rumble. But it reminded me of my old home, of the East Coast. I have missed being back east for a while now. I think about it every day. And then I realize that I have not visited in almost two years. I miss my father immensely even though we talk on the phone, exchange instant messages online (a skill which he is very proud of), and the occasional card or letter. I miss my books that I left at my father's house. I miss Archaea and trees and driving my car. I miss my 101 students. So I really hope I can ge the nerve to fly out there later this year, in November. But with the madness in the air, flying the paranoid skies may just be more than this punky, wallet-chain wearing, tattooed, subversive-mouthed boy can handle. It's been a while and I want make sure we connect again -- somehow.

All in all, I'm doing all right. Year Three has been really hard and really good to me. I count my blessings. I count my successes. And I try to forgive my fuck-ups. I am still melancholic but the feelings are fueling a lot of creativity and a lot of cause to evolve. As much as my life isn't near-perfect, I do manage every once in a while to remind myself that I'm doing amazingly well. I am writing again, voluminously. I am keeping a roof over my head. I am challenging myself to be a better person, a cooler person, and a humane person. Eventually, I'll narrow the focus, the lenses of my life and the light that shines from me will intersect and combine to one brilliant spot.

Look at me go. (And I have new tattoos.)

Write me.

Love,
ED