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The following online journal entries are from October 2001.
"'I didn't know I thought these things. I spoke them now as my thoughts.
And they were my most profound feelings taking a shape they could never
have taken had I not spoken them, had I not thought them out this way
in conversation with another. I thought myself then possessed of a
passive mind, in a sense. I mean that my mind could only pull itself
together, formulate thought out of the middle of longing and pain, when
it was touched by another mind; fertilized by it; deeply excited by
that other mind and driven to form conclusions. I felt now the rarest,
most acute alleviation of loneliness.'"
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WEDNESDAY. 4:29 PM. Another longish day at the job. I am home now and feeling lazy mixed with a little melancholy. I have been reading Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire, particularly on my bus rides to and from work, and have found it entertaining. The quote above is from when Louis meets and first spends some time with Armand; it resonates with the kind of feeling that I have been having, missing. I need to alleviate some of my loneliness. I think I should stop taking the slew of short films I've been watching on www.ifilm.com and www.atomfilms.com, since I've been culling through their LGBTA selections. All of the films are generally about relationships and generally why they are mystifying, miraculous (to the point of being too saccharine), or just plain mistakes. (It also doesn't help that the queer men and women of most of these films are just too damned pretty.) I can't make heads nor tails of what I want to write about right now. So I'll just stop the madness.
10:49 PM. Well, it's a few hours later and just about time for me to head to bed. I worked a very little bit on Tellings and I think I have the new book design down. I'm not sure how it'll turn out. But it's a change. The current book has looked the way it has for over ten years. I think it's time for an update. I also watched the second episode of Enterprise. Josh G. came by. It was an okay episode. Afterwards, I popped next door for a few minutes just to visit a little with my neighbors. Now, I look forward to going to sleep. Though I am still at a loss at how to describe what I've been feeling lately. A number of people I've talked to in the past week have felt a little off, a little cranky. I think maybe it's the weather changing, the days getting shorter, or just being worn out after the trauma of last month. I know what I'm feeling goes a little deeper than that -- even though it's unnamed. I think nearing the end of the year is starting to creep in on me and I think to myself, What have I done this year? What haven't I accomplished that I said I wanted to get done? What have I changed? Have I changed at all? And swimming underneath all of that insecurity, I just want a boyfriend. I feel helpless and wretched (such a good Buffy adjective). I know it makes me so attractive. I suddenly long for the comfort of another person, someone to feel warm with, next to, against. I think reading Interview with the Vampire is making me feel cold, my own humanity seem frail. Basically, it would just make me feel happy.
SUNDAY. 8:15 PM. It's been a full weekend -- a very full weekend. And I'm very tired. I am ready to sleep like the dead. I will probably find myself nestled in my bed very soon. The weather's been foggy and chilly. Today has been one of those 'laze around in bed all day' days. Friday night, Dustin came over after work and we had a bit to eat at Serrano's, then we stopped a few at Leather Tongue Video to see Brendan (a fellow I work with at Brobeck), and finally made our way to POW. Rob and Murphy showed up. Shamim showed up. We had a few drinks. Then Rob and Murphy, myself and Dustin cabbed up to The Cafe. There was much dancing and much libation. After The Cafe, we ate at Orphan Andy's. Then Dustin and I staggered home and crashed. Saturday, after recovering as best as I could from my hangover, Dustin and I drove down to Half Moon Bay. Dustin had to do some stuff at work and I wanted to see the Paratas office. Coming back to the city, Dustin dropped me off at home so I could take a short nap. Then I bussed up to his house. We had dinner at the Metreon. Then for the second night in a row, we went to POW. I did my best to be riotous. I shared a cab with one of the POW DJs home. Now the weekend is over. I'm tired and unfocused. And I'm ready for bed. (Hopefully, my downstairs neighbors will be quiet early so I can get a few extra Z's. Here's to wishful thinking...) |
WEDNESDAY. 3:12 PM. Happy Double-Ten Day!
THURSDAY. 5:22 PM. Happy National Coming Out Day!
MONDAY. 3:37 PM. Happy birthday to my father!
10:17 PM. The ides of October is almost over. I am grossly tired right now. I really want to get to bed before 11 PM. So I think this entry will be a short one. Of course, if my neighbors decide that it's apropos to play loud music again right at the moment I lay down to go to sleep, then sleep will be a bit longer in coming. Of course, they could just slam doors all night instead as a fresh change of pace. I am in a cranky mood. In fact, most people I have come across have been cantankerous. Both bus trips I made today to and from work were filled with sneering faces and gnashing teeth. Maybe it is the warm weather (which thankfully is blowing out of here). Maybe it's the fear of Anthrax in our morning paper or PG&E bill. Maybe it's just that most of the world is despairing (which even bombing the crap out of a country isn't making it feel better). I have a busy last three months of the year coming up: National Novel Writing Month, a crazy 'contest' pitting writers versus a one month deadline to write 50,000 words, begins in two weeks -- I am signed up (as is my friend Dustin) and I am excited and freaked out. I just registered for the GRE's on November 29, which is in preparation for grad school applications to be done before the middle of January 2002. I still have to find a steady job (though my employment at Brobeck continues to be extended). I have revisions of my game Tellings to complete. And I'd like to find a fucking new place to live. And, again, under all of this, I still want a boyfriend. Help me.
MONDAY. 2:19 PM. Now is hunger and waiting for my lunch to finish cooking. Now is sitting at my computer, thanking the universe that my building is quiet, and finishing this long overdue entry. Now is having a little tummy ache (sure that being starving is not helping). Now is feeling tired after working as a corporate drone and after an hour long bus ride that should've taken only twenty minutes. Now is feeling better in shorts than in work pants. Now is wondering if I will get everything done today that I have set out to do. Now is hearing the beep of the microwave oven calling me back to the kitchen. Now is hoping that having a baked potato with onions, mushrooms, and cheddar is what I want for lunch. Now is feeling like napping. Now is having sweaty socks. Now is hoping there is a new Rosie on today. Now is taking deep breaths. Now is going to eat.
3:30 PM. This is a little bit from my written journal. I wrote it on the bus, which was stuck in traffic for an hour: "I want happiness. I want love. I want success in the things I do. I want amazement and wonder. I want magic. I want friendship and family. I want a beautiful body. I want a gorgeous mind. I want a miraculous spirit. "I have those things. But I devalue them because they are not the things that the 'culture' around me says are of value. I know this. The intellectual has yet to become the personal, the emotional, the actual. "I'm learning the best I can, the fastest I can. "It's about goals. It's about letting go, too. There is comfort in being present, in being mindful of the existence of now. No other time or place is important except for now." |
journal
© 2001 Edmond Y. Chang. All original material. All rights reserved.
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