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[ j o u r n a l ]
The following online journal entries are from January 2001.
They are taken from my written journal and email updates to friends.
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Dr. Olmert: You and Dr. Russell built me right, I think. Even
though I will never run with the fastest and strongest, I know that
my experience as an undergraduate (and in part a graduate) has been
life-changing. You have been a second father to me and I look
forward to the day we can have morning chats. Thank you so much
for teaching me to be unafraid of my writing (a lesson in which
I need refreshing). Thank you so much for making me a great teacher.
Arthur: I am not sure how our paths parted ways, but with all
things, it probably was meant to be. I cannot believe that so many
years have passed since our first meeting in tenth grade. I just
wanted to say that I give many thanks for being a part of the
gaming crew. I want to thank you for all of your help with
Archaea. I appreciate the inspiration and the creativity you have
shown me. Honestly, I do want to be better friends again. So, I
hope we are not at odds.
Will S.: Our friendship changed since we came back from Colorado.
But things always change -- my moving to San Francisco being
another example. I do want to say that I appreciate your
presence, your sense of honor, your strength, your smile, and
your kindness. I miss your company and I hope to keep in better
touch. To this day I still have a crush on you -- I hope you
take that as flattering -- but I think I crush on most people I
care the most about.
Kevin: Brains, brawn, and beauty. What can I say, you're one of
my most favorite people. And though our time together has been
short, I am glad you started talking to me at the coffee counter
in the student union. You energize me and I very much love your
company. I have to find some way of getting you to stay in better
touch.
David: Where has my cowboy gone? I have a feeling that our
friendship was in part taking advantage of one another. But you
forced me to finally take some stock of myself and my
over-dependence. I am grateful for that lesson. I still think
you are one of the most beautiful men I have ever met.
Kate: Somewhere along the way I think we became good friends and
that makes me very happy. I think the geographical distance has
made the proverbial heart grow proverbially fonder. Thank you
very much for your consideration and your willingness to listen
and your support. It's too bad that it's taken an incredible
distance to bring us closer together -- though there's still
things yet to discover. I don't miss your temper, but I love
you anyway. Don't worry, I'm half-teasing. Pass the
salt-and-vinegar chips.
Hugh: I miss our closeness very much. I admire your courage,
your vitality, your comprehension, and your excellence. Plus,
you always gave me such praise when I cooked for you. I thank
you for the impact you've made on my life as a friend, a
scholar, an activist, a gay man, and a student and a teacher.
I will keep you always sighted on the horizon.
Meredith: So many memories are in part thanks to you. I very
much appreciate your openness and your willingness to let me
into your home (the gazillion of them) and into your life.
Thank you for your dedication and your empathy. I have always
thought we'd be closer, but somehow that never really happened.
Perhaps it's because we're a lot alike and our personalities
like to maintain a comfortable distance. You are a valued
friend nonetheless. I miss the Cthulhu marathons and your
adventure logs.
Andrew: Like others, it's taken the distance to cement the
anchors of our friendship. I am very glad to chat with you
every workday online. But, since I met you back in the day,
I have always wanted to be your friend. You are one of
the smartest, happiest, chipperest, most loyal people I know.
Endeavor on, my friend, because you are one of those people
I see making things happen. I am glad for your encouragement
and your shoulder to cry on, gripe on, or pummel on. I look
forward to your help and your honesty always. (And so you
don't feel left out, I had a crush on you, too.)
John: What can I say? We were so different yet the chemistry
was great. I saw so much in you and made the mistake of
falling in love with you. I am saddened that our friendship
did not survive that kind of intensity. In my memories and
my fondness, you are still my favorite knight in shining armor.
Perhaps one day our paths will cross again.
Lori Lou: I have always thought of you as a fragile heart.
That sounds negative but I think we share that quality in
common. Joy is so important to the both of us that discord
pretty much destroys us. But, through the years, I have
learned that you are a strong, independent, and mindful
person. And as you struggle and survive through your father's
decline, I think that heart of yours will simply grow
stronger. Though we don't talk often and our conversations
are sometimes stilted, I treasure what we share and will
share in days to come.
Scott H.: Where are you? I never know where you are and
half-expect you to appear on my doorstep. I am so glad
that we became closer friends (than those murky high school
days). Your zeal for trekking across the universe is
something I don't quite understand but definitely respect
and wish I had more of a taste of in my own spirit. I love
you, my friend.
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Greg: I think you were one of the first people in the whole
Darkon gang to genuinely reciprocate friendship. And that
has stuck with me always. I very much hold that at the core
of our relationship. And thought time and distance (and the
army) has changed us, I do miss your smile, your wit, your
charm, and your own brand of scandal. I don't know if you
remember kissing me at Ozone way back when but I will hold
on to that as well. (Yeah, yeah, get over yourself.)
Chris M.: Friendship with you has been like a two-person
relay race. We hand off the friendship baton to one another.
Sometimes we go a distance before making contact, but
eventually the exchange is made. You are a creative,
energetic, and ambitious friend. I hope that we'll get a
chance to be in each other's lives a little bit more
concretely. We have to get to know one another again and
that takes time. I'm not sure if you have the time or the
current mindframe, but I'm glad to have run into you again
(and again and again).
Rob: When we first met, I knew I wanted to be your friend.
And that infatuation grew up a little. I have enjoyed your
company, your intelligence, your devotion, and your sense of
humor. Playing with you, gaming with you, and hanging out
with you was always fun. I appreciate all the help you've
given me with Tellings and Archaea. Like a few others in
my life, somewhere along the way, we drifted apart a little.
I am uncomfortable with the awkwardness but I am willing to
work it through. I still have much love for you, regardless.
Kristin: I am most honored that you lent me your confidence
and shared with me your friendship and your spirituality.
Somewhere along the way, our relationship short-circuited.
Perhaps, it was simply time for change and divergence.
I am glad to hear from you again and though we probably
won't pick up where we left off, we can definitely forge ahead.
Seth: I want to climb a mountain with you again. Though our
friendship has faded, I still remember vividly our ascent of
St. Mary's Rock in the Shenendoah. And I remember our first
meeting in Latin class during the summer. Now, university,
marriage, moving, life, work, and all of those things have led
us down separate roads. I thank you for inviting me to be
a small part of your great adventure. You have given me the
model to have adventures of my own. I hope to, in the least,
hear from you soon.
Scott M.: It's always so hard to dip deep into the well of
the past. And our history has been both riotous and painful.
Sadly, I know I have not done enough to repair the fissures
and tears between us. It should've been done back then.
But I remember you as a charismatic, youthful, caring, and
dedicated friend. Thanks for all the fondess. Remorse for the damage.
Peter: You have become a friend of mine in your own right
(no longer just the younger brother of Seth). I think in a
way you became a surrogate younger brother to me. I thank you
for your time, your investment, and your considerate nature.
Thank you for Sugarloaf and Great Falls. Thank you for your
emails and your most recent visit. I am proud to see you all
grown up and I hope to be at your first book signing if you'll
be at mine.
Sarah: I didn't think I would write something given our
current circumstances. But I would not be having such a
frustrated response if I did not feel the deep history
between us. You are one of my best friends and our struggles
through architecture school, through graduating from college,
through coming out, and all the stuff in between amounts to
a great deal in my book. I know relationships change. If
our friendship is to move to the pale, then I will grudgingly
let it go knowing I have laughed, cried, fought, danced,
explored, shared, and changed with you.
All in all, I am comforted by the fact that I have so many
people that I can share thoughts with. I am tempted to let
the list go on and on. But, the gist and the trend is there.
In a way, I don't want to try to include everyone. It saves
me something to expound upon later. Furthermore, I have not
included the burgeoning friendships in my life. I'm
superstitious in a way. But, they are no less important
to me. In the deepest sense, I wanted to express a handful
of the important words I have kept to myself for so long.
It is a risk, I know. And I do not wish to alienate or
embarass or upset anyone. Take the above like fortune telling --
a kernal of possibility, a short breath of truth, a handful
of impressions out of a starry ocean of experience. It is
hopefully an encouragement for you to do the same -- not
necessarily as a list and so publically, but in your own way
and in a concrete way.
And now it is enough. And now it is done. Again, I thank
everyone for being so patient and so willing to listen. I
also hope people respond openly. There's no minimum length
and there's no scripted answers.
In all things, then, peace.
Love,
Ed
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