[ j o u r n a l ]

The following online journal entries are from January 2001.

They are taken from my written journal and email updates to friends.

[ 0 1 . 2 5 . 0 1 cont. ]

Dr. Olmert: You and Dr. Russell built me right, I think. Even though I will never run with the fastest and strongest, I know that my experience as an undergraduate (and in part a graduate) has been life-changing. You have been a second father to me and I look forward to the day we can have morning chats. Thank you so much for teaching me to be unafraid of my writing (a lesson in which I need refreshing). Thank you so much for making me a great teacher.

Arthur: I am not sure how our paths parted ways, but with all things, it probably was meant to be. I cannot believe that so many years have passed since our first meeting in tenth grade. I just wanted to say that I give many thanks for being a part of the gaming crew. I want to thank you for all of your help with Archaea. I appreciate the inspiration and the creativity you have shown me. Honestly, I do want to be better friends again. So, I hope we are not at odds.

Will S.: Our friendship changed since we came back from Colorado. But things always change -- my moving to San Francisco being another example. I do want to say that I appreciate your presence, your sense of honor, your strength, your smile, and your kindness. I miss your company and I hope to keep in better touch. To this day I still have a crush on you -- I hope you take that as flattering -- but I think I crush on most people I care the most about.

Kevin: Brains, brawn, and beauty. What can I say, you're one of my most favorite people. And though our time together has been short, I am glad you started talking to me at the coffee counter in the student union. You energize me and I very much love your company. I have to find some way of getting you to stay in better touch.

David: Where has my cowboy gone? I have a feeling that our friendship was in part taking advantage of one another. But you forced me to finally take some stock of myself and my over-dependence. I am grateful for that lesson. I still think you are one of the most beautiful men I have ever met.

Kate: Somewhere along the way I think we became good friends and that makes me very happy. I think the geographical distance has made the proverbial heart grow proverbially fonder. Thank you very much for your consideration and your willingness to listen and your support. It's too bad that it's taken an incredible distance to bring us closer together -- though there's still things yet to discover. I don't miss your temper, but I love you anyway. Don't worry, I'm half-teasing. Pass the salt-and-vinegar chips.

Hugh: I miss our closeness very much. I admire your courage, your vitality, your comprehension, and your excellence. Plus, you always gave me such praise when I cooked for you. I thank you for the impact you've made on my life as a friend, a scholar, an activist, a gay man, and a student and a teacher. I will keep you always sighted on the horizon.

Meredith: So many memories are in part thanks to you. I very much appreciate your openness and your willingness to let me into your home (the gazillion of them) and into your life. Thank you for your dedication and your empathy. I have always thought we'd be closer, but somehow that never really happened. Perhaps it's because we're a lot alike and our personalities like to maintain a comfortable distance. You are a valued friend nonetheless. I miss the Cthulhu marathons and your adventure logs.

Andrew: Like others, it's taken the distance to cement the anchors of our friendship. I am very glad to chat with you every workday online. But, since I met you back in the day, I have always wanted to be your friend. You are one of the smartest, happiest, chipperest, most loyal people I know. Endeavor on, my friend, because you are one of those people I see making things happen. I am glad for your encouragement and your shoulder to cry on, gripe on, or pummel on. I look forward to your help and your honesty always. (And so you don't feel left out, I had a crush on you, too.)

John: What can I say? We were so different yet the chemistry was great. I saw so much in you and made the mistake of falling in love with you. I am saddened that our friendship did not survive that kind of intensity. In my memories and my fondness, you are still my favorite knight in shining armor. Perhaps one day our paths will cross again.

Lori Lou: I have always thought of you as a fragile heart. That sounds negative but I think we share that quality in common. Joy is so important to the both of us that discord pretty much destroys us. But, through the years, I have learned that you are a strong, independent, and mindful person. And as you struggle and survive through your father's decline, I think that heart of yours will simply grow stronger. Though we don't talk often and our conversations are sometimes stilted, I treasure what we share and will share in days to come.

Scott H.: Where are you? I never know where you are and half-expect you to appear on my doorstep. I am so glad that we became closer friends (than those murky high school days). Your zeal for trekking across the universe is something I don't quite understand but definitely respect and wish I had more of a taste of in my own spirit. I love you, my friend.

>>

[ 0 1 . 2 5 . 0 1 cont. ]

Greg: I think you were one of the first people in the whole Darkon gang to genuinely reciprocate friendship. And that has stuck with me always. I very much hold that at the core of our relationship. And thought time and distance (and the army) has changed us, I do miss your smile, your wit, your charm, and your own brand of scandal. I don't know if you remember kissing me at Ozone way back when but I will hold on to that as well. (Yeah, yeah, get over yourself.)

Chris M.: Friendship with you has been like a two-person relay race. We hand off the friendship baton to one another. Sometimes we go a distance before making contact, but eventually the exchange is made. You are a creative, energetic, and ambitious friend. I hope that we'll get a chance to be in each other's lives a little bit more concretely. We have to get to know one another again and that takes time. I'm not sure if you have the time or the current mindframe, but I'm glad to have run into you again (and again and again).

Rob: When we first met, I knew I wanted to be your friend. And that infatuation grew up a little. I have enjoyed your company, your intelligence, your devotion, and your sense of humor. Playing with you, gaming with you, and hanging out with you was always fun. I appreciate all the help you've given me with Tellings and Archaea. Like a few others in my life, somewhere along the way, we drifted apart a little. I am uncomfortable with the awkwardness but I am willing to work it through. I still have much love for you, regardless.

Kristin: I am most honored that you lent me your confidence and shared with me your friendship and your spirituality. Somewhere along the way, our relationship short-circuited. Perhaps, it was simply time for change and divergence. I am glad to hear from you again and though we probably won't pick up where we left off, we can definitely forge ahead.

Seth: I want to climb a mountain with you again. Though our friendship has faded, I still remember vividly our ascent of St. Mary's Rock in the Shenendoah. And I remember our first meeting in Latin class during the summer. Now, university, marriage, moving, life, work, and all of those things have led us down separate roads. I thank you for inviting me to be a small part of your great adventure. You have given me the model to have adventures of my own. I hope to, in the least, hear from you soon.

Scott M.: It's always so hard to dip deep into the well of the past. And our history has been both riotous and painful. Sadly, I know I have not done enough to repair the fissures and tears between us. It should've been done back then. But I remember you as a charismatic, youthful, caring, and dedicated friend. Thanks for all the fondess. Remorse for the damage.

Peter: You have become a friend of mine in your own right (no longer just the younger brother of Seth). I think in a way you became a surrogate younger brother to me. I thank you for your time, your investment, and your considerate nature. Thank you for Sugarloaf and Great Falls. Thank you for your emails and your most recent visit. I am proud to see you all grown up and I hope to be at your first book signing if you'll be at mine.

Sarah: I didn't think I would write something given our current circumstances. But I would not be having such a frustrated response if I did not feel the deep history between us. You are one of my best friends and our struggles through architecture school, through graduating from college, through coming out, and all the stuff in between amounts to a great deal in my book. I know relationships change. If our friendship is to move to the pale, then I will grudgingly let it go knowing I have laughed, cried, fought, danced, explored, shared, and changed with you.

All in all, I am comforted by the fact that I have so many people that I can share thoughts with. I am tempted to let the list go on and on. But, the gist and the trend is there. In a way, I don't want to try to include everyone. It saves me something to expound upon later. Furthermore, I have not included the burgeoning friendships in my life. I'm superstitious in a way. But, they are no less important to me. In the deepest sense, I wanted to express a handful of the important words I have kept to myself for so long. It is a risk, I know. And I do not wish to alienate or embarass or upset anyone. Take the above like fortune telling -- a kernal of possibility, a short breath of truth, a handful of impressions out of a starry ocean of experience. It is hopefully an encouragement for you to do the same -- not necessarily as a list and so publically, but in your own way and in a concrete way.

And now it is enough. And now it is done. Again, I thank everyone for being so patient and so willing to listen. I also hope people respond openly. There's no minimum length and there's no scripted answers.

In all things, then, peace.

Love,
Ed

[ i n d e x E D ]

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