TROUBLE IN RIVER CITY

One of the overarching themes of this letter has been about friendship and about connection. And since I usually rail on and on about my lack of good friends in the city, I might as well give the low-down on that corner of my life.

After two years, I can say I have a fair number of good acquaintances. And I think for most people a large group of general body friends is healthy. But for the most part, I still desire a closer core of friends than I have. I love my crowd at POW, the local bar that I frequent particularly on Friday nights. I trying to spend more time with a couple of people from my workplace and so far it's only been the occasional dinner out or movie or drink. Furthermore, I have been spending a lot of time next door with Josh and Josh, my neighbors. In fact, I've been introduced to the Josh's circle of friends (they've known each other since middle school) and find them very welcoming and very accepting (Nick was part of this tightly knit group).

However, on a down note, the timber of the last week or so has just been grim in the friendship department. My friendship with Sarah, the roommate, is in downward spiral. Check that, it's flatlining. Over the past year, we have progressively moved further and further apart -- much further than the twenty feet that separate our rooms. I think mostly due to the fact that she has developed a very separate life from me and the apartment. She has her own group of friends, her girlfriends (one of whom, her primary relationship, dislikes me to the point of ignoring me in my own house), and with the purchase of a new TV and VCR for her room, her privacy. More often than not, she will come home (if she comes home) and head directly for her room and shut the door. No words exchanged. I have taken to communicating with her via notes left on the coffee table.

As of last weekend, she quit the gaming group -- the last thing we did together. It is a maneuver I translate to full segregation of our lives. I am hurt, angry, disappointed, and frustrated. We have been friends for over ten years. I think if I could simply let it go, write it off, stop trying to rescue to the friendship, I would live much happier. I have made attempts to talk to her about it. The first time she responded, "I know we haven't spent any time together but we'll work on it." The second time she responded, "I'm just busy with doing my own thing." The third time, she simply said, "I'm doing things that can't or won't include you."

For example (and pardon my launch into taking her inventory), over the holidays, I asked her if she wanted to do the New Year's thing with me: go to POW and a couple of parties. She said she didn't have any plans so she'd go with. The Saturday before New Year's Eve, my friend Rob and his partner Murphy were having a big holiday shindig in their swanky Victorian house in the Haight. I invited Sarah to come with and she initially said yes. On the afternoon of Saturday, she got a better offer (some of her lesbian friends wanted to introduce her to a potential hook-up) and ditch on me. On New Year's Eve, I re-asked her if she'd go to POW with me and then to our neighbor's party and she said yes. Again, that evening, she got invited to a different party and bailed on me. I asked her if she'd at least have a drink at POW with me and her response was, "I hate POW. I always have. It bores me."

I have stopped trying to initiate any conversation now and am at a total loss as how to proceed. I find it hard to believe that I'm such an unreasonable and irritating person to warrant complete divorce. There are no more straws left -- I passed the last one weeks ago. Oprah has touted Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements of which one is to not take anything personally. Suffice it to say, I have not reached agreement on that one yet.

In a way, I'm grieving. I hate that bottomless feeling. In the last week, I've lost a friend whom I wanted to spend more time with. And I've lost a friend whom I've spent so much time with. I don't think my life can be winnowed any more.

On an up note, there are a handful of people in my life that I do get some vitality from and some affirmation. I am extremely happy with my gaming group (even though as of late we're undergoing some upheaval). My next door neighbors have been very friendly and it's been a treat to actually live in a building where I know other tenants; it's kind of like my version of dormitory life. I love the fact that I can go knocking on their door or that they come by to say hello. I recommend that kind of living to everyone -- where everyone has their own space but you have easy access to company. I'm all for extended family living. Finally, through my next door neighbors, I have met their circle of friends. I am actually rather envious of their relationship. Here is a group of people that have grown up in the area together. And watching them interact during the loss of one of their number is both heartbreaking and inspiring. Even before Nick's death, I noted how affectionate they are with one another, how expressive they are, and how much praise and general encouragement they give to one another. It astounds me. Maybe it's a result of them growing up in the bay area? I moved around too much when I was growing up. I haven't really had the history that these people share. It is a deepness that I think is much harder to achieve as you get older. But it reminds me to cherish the long lasting friendships I have now and to encourage those new friendships that are entering my life.

"QUEERIFIC"

First, I must say that I am grossly appalled by this year's theme for San Francisco Gay Pride -- "Queerific." I am appalled that a committee debated days and days on that overly bubblegum icky word or that they didn't spend nearly enough time on the subject.

I don't think my view of the community here in San Francisco has changed much over the past year. If it has, it's certainly in decline. Sure there's more diversity, there's more public displays of same-sex affection, there's more queer-centric advertising, services, businesses, and there's more activism and surface tolerance. But, the concentration of the worthy and the radical and the progressive is met neatly by a concentration of the superficial and the mainstream and the status quo.

My experience on the romantic front still continues to be baffling and frustrating. What else is new? There really aren't any beans to spill. Every now and then I'll get a hint of a possibility only to have it evaporate. I think I need a pheromone transplant.

I was going to include a section regarding MTV's launch of their FightForYourRights.mtv.com campaign about hate crimes and the debut of _Anatomy of a Hate Crime: The Matthew Shepard Story_. But, I'm way too out of my mind to deal with it right now. I think I'd like to do a little follow up on it and to offer my thoughts (and other thoughts) on the matter. It is important to me, I think that the discussion be carried to a larger community. And that my friends that are not directly connected to activism or education or politics (but who are directly connected to me as an activist, political, gay teacher and man) will find something of interest and have reactions and opinions to share.

THE END IS NIGH

Well, I think I will bring this message to an early close. I have a lot yet to think about. And I have a brand new year to fill up with more amazing and rambling stories.

Have a good year all. And let me know what you're thinking and doing and feeling and learning.

Cheers,
Ed