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[ j o u r n a l ]
The following online journal entries are from January 2001.
They are taken from my written journal and email updates to friends.
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"MESSIAH CLASS USE LEFT DOOR"
In a curious and too-little-too-late attempt to do a little more
walking, I get off the #14 bus a stop early and walk the rest of
the way to work. The decision is mainly because I walk past
Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, which has a large green park
with trees and waterfall fountain. Though it is bordered by
the big city, it's a soft oasis in all the glass, steel, and
concrete. On clear mornings, a group of men and women practice
tai chi all in hypnotic unison. Those are my favorite mornings.
One day, a few months ago, I was walking down Mission Street.
On my way from the bus stop, I also pass St. Patrick's Church
and I marvel at the number of people just getting out of the
morning mass and heading off to work. On the ground, is a
windblown sign that reads, "Messiah Class Use Left Door." It
struck me funny. Instead of waiting for the second coming,
let's teach someone to be new savior of the free world. Lesson
One: Choosing the Right Sandals. Lesson Two: Holier Than Thou
and Other Self-Confidence Boosters. Lesson Three: Turning Water
to Wine, Summer Ale, and the Miracles of Micro-Brewing.
But seriously, I thought to myself that it would be an amazing
thing to teach ourselves to be kinder and more forgiving of
one another. The world needs a lot of saving (and not in a
save-my-seat-on-the-trolley-to-heaven sort of way). I have
always said that we need superheroes -- visible, touchable,
paradigmatic, and vocal (not to mention the nifty suit).
We need somebodies that can transcend the modern coil and
the bureaucracy and the status quo.
Where am I going? I don't know. I am not particularly religious.
But I do wonder about cause and effect, about the meaning of
things from simple acts to catastrophes, about living and
believing. I think I spend far too much time on the existential
and not enough time on the true grit. Or maybe there's too
much concrete stuff going on in my life that I need to make
it obtuse and cerebral in order to deal with it all.
Clearly, the cosmic is on my mind.
DOT COM VERSUS DOT ORG
Work is work. I am still with CompassPoint Nonprofit Services.
I am still working the morning reception gig. And after my yearly
evaluation this past December, I have decided that I do not see
myself in my job for another year, much less six more months.
Therefore I am exploring the possibilities of transitioning into
a different position in my organization.
Ideally, I'd like to become one of our staff instructors teaching
some of our computer classes and perhaps creating a basic writing
class. I currently teach one class a quarter called "PageMaker
for Newsletters." Unfortunately, CompassPoint is not budgeted for
another staff instructor. I have meetings with our executive
director and our director of technology to explore other possibilities.
If I cannot find a way to stay with CompassPoint, then I'm going
to have to look elsewhere. In San Francisco, the general pull is
toward the for-profit sector. And I am not sure I want to go
that route. In fact, our organization is heading a research
project on the nonprofit workforce and the difficulty of retaining
employees. When the average nonprofit salary is still way below
the average for profit salary, there's only so much social
consciousness that can hold a person in their position -- especially
in a city with a high cost of living.
I really am apprehensive about leaving my organization. I really
like my work environment and the people in my office. I
particularly like the fact that my personal sense of style and
politics and creativity are respected here, even honored and
encouraged. For one of the most well-known management service
organizations (which could spell all sorts of corporate-like
culture), there is a relaxed and comfortable climate in the
workplace. It's a quality that I am unwilling to give up easily.
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THE THREE YEAR PLAN
Sometime during the whole new year introspection, I invented my
San Francisco Three Year Plan. It is part rationalization and
part realization and part call for action. On January 5, I
celebrated my second year anniversary in the city. And now as
I begin my third year here, I hope that this new year will be
the best yet.
My first year in San Francisco was really a scramble, an exercise
in confusion, excitement, and anxiety. It was a time to break
away from the past, to learn an entirely new geography, and to
struggle for a well-founded fresh beginning. Learning bus lines,
job searches, housing crises, roommate issues, homesickness,
meeting new people, missing old friends -- all added up to a
miraculous but struggling first year.
My second year, this past year, has been a slow settling -- like
salt crystals precipitating out of a saline suspension. I
learned a lot about San Francisco and about myself in the past
year. And there are some things that I'm very much proud of.
And there are some things that very much need improvement.
About the time of my last update, I knew I had to finish out
the year to really get a sense of where I wanted to be. San
Francisco is not an easy city. And I knew I needed to meet it
head on to really know whether or not I could survive, sustain,
and subsist here. A large part of my reasons for staying in
the area over the holidays was to test my resolve. It was a
good litmus test. I knew that most of my circle would be away,
my sister would be away, and I would have to depend on myself.
It was lonely. But I am glad I chose to take that personal time.
There are still many patterns I carry with me -- baggage if you
will -- that be it Maryland or California I still need to wrestle
with. But what else is new?
In my second year, I started therapy again, started reading
avidly again (with recommendations that span from Harry Potter
to Ender's Game to a punk rock histories entitled Just Kill
Me and John Lydon's memoir Rotten), found a favorite watering
hole (yay POW), started a committed gaming group to play Tellings,
expanded my knowledge of the city itself, taught twice for my
organization, and made efforts to try new things (from new
cuisine -- including some of the best dive Thai and Vietnamese
restaurants -- to art shows to very indie films -- highly recommend
the video docu-activism film about the Seattle WTO protests called
This is What Democracy Looks Like -- to local activist events).
So, it's 2001. Third year. Sophmore days are over. I would be
lying if age isn't playing a part in my earnestness to "get going."
I have been in San Francisco long enough. Now it's time to suck
the marrow out of the city, so to speak. To take the streets by
storm. To ask the city to give back manyfold or to leave it all behind.
I want to forge significant, invested, and generous friendships.
I want to work on the things that are most important to me --
writing, teaching, gaming, and a place to call home. It's time
to get back to my dreams and to avoid the stalling measures,
the safety nets. If I don't remain at CompassPoint, I'd like to
get into content writing or writing in general. I have made a
goal to publish something within the first three months of this
year -- be it a poem for a webzine or an article for the
Guardian newspaper (a local rag like DC's City Paper).
I know I will be applying to return to grad school for fall of
2002 (which gives me all sorts of age-related issues -- is that
too late, I'll be 32, everyone will be younger, I won't be
prepared, I've been out of school too long). I hope to fully
find an organization to align myself with here in the city.
I think my top choice is the Stop AIDS project -- particularly
with the alarming rise in the city's infection and changes in
behavior particularly among gay men. I desperately need to
find peers -- in all sense of the word. What else? Just really
to take more time to affirm myself, my goals, and my aspirations.
The list goes on but the gist is there. So here's to a great new year.
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