Wednesday. I have waited a bit too long to update my journal. I haven't had the energy or the focus to write about things lately. I have been meaning to write about my trip back to Maryland. Now that it's nearly two weeks later, I am beginning to get a sense of how the trip has affected me and how I feel about San Francisco. Part of my delay comes from the fact that I have been working full days since I've been back in the City; I have just been too busy and then too tired to work on anything.

Places That Were Ed, My Traveler's Epilogue

I think the full impact of my trip back to the "places that were Ed" have yet to sink in to my consciousness and subconscious. There was a lot going on in the week and a half that I was in the DC area. I keep trying to squeeze out as many little details as I can so the whole experience is captured. The majority of the visit has been well worth the travel and the time and the stress and the exhaustion.

While I was in Maryland, everyone kept asking me whether or not I was going to move back. And my answer was I really didn't know. Now, that I've come back to SF, I know that SF can be a difficult place to live and it is still a hard place to make inroads. But I'm trying again. I'm trying to give it my best. I know I'm going to be here for another year. Then I'll have put in two years in the city. And if things don't get better and if I don't feel any more connected to this place, then I'll move on. I don't think I'll move back to Maryland. At least not in the immediate future. I think things are still way too familiar and things haven't changed enough there and I haven't changed enough.

Though, at times, I did feel like an outsider. Obviously, I had been away for a year. Things did change. People became friends. People did things together. People had different experiences, went to different events, lived through different times. So, sometimes an inside joke or an inside memory put me off a bit. But all in all, I didn't feel like I had left Maryland. When I got in on December 22 and was riding in the car with Kate, Rob, and Willie, I didn't feel like things were any different. Not that I didn't miss them or not that I didn't think time had passed, but I think that there is still a lot of energy and routine that is the same. I'm not ready to go back to that.

I miss my support system certainly. I miss having lots of friends. I miss knowing lots of people. I miss going to familiar places. I miss knowing what stores to go to, what movie theatres are good, what restaurants are fun, and what roads to take. But I'm slowly building that here in SF. And if I can create some of the things that I love and enjoy in this city, then I'll feel more at ease and more at home.

I did miss my apartment in SF. I missed my bed. I missed my computer. Partially, the feeling came from the fact that I was staying in a house that really didn't want me there. But I think my investment in SF is a lot stronger than I realized. And that I have found a lot of strength and courage in moving to SF and I want to keep that with me. Moving back to Maryland would diminish that feeling. So for now, I'm staying in SF.

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