[ j o u r n a l ]
The following online journal entries are from December 1999.
They are taken from my written journal and email updates to friends.
[ 1 2 . 0 3 . 9 9 cont. ]
AMICI ET AMICAE ET FAMILIA
The circle of friends "situation" is probably at storm warning
levels. Still very little progress has been made.
I have been gaming. And it has been a lot of fun and rewarding
to be creative again. We haven't clicked as a group yet. But, I
think the problem is that we're not really friends outside of the
gaming circle. That's someting that I'd like to work on. Without
that basic friendship, I think, the group will lack that unity and
companionship that is necessary for great gaming.
I like all of the people I work with. And hopefully, I'll get to
know some of them outside of the workplace. It's slow going. Most
people have established lives and established circles of friends.
It's hard to be the newcomer and try to insert yourself into their
routine. I've gone to a party held by a co-worker. And I had my
first lunch with a co-worker yesterday. But, most of the people
here are of a different generation than me. We'll see what happens.
At least I get to see them at work and it's pretty friendly and relaxed.
A lot of the coffee house people I know have sunk into their own
lives. It's been a while since I've seen any of them or heard from
them. We play phone tag a lot. And now I'm just focusing on the
people who are available and around.
My sister has been very good about trying to hang out with me and
keep me company. She visits once every couple of weeks at least.
We had Thanksgiving together. And before that, we went to see the
Pokèmon movie--hehe, it was fun. I talk to her almost every
day on Instant Messenger or by phone. And we both continue to be
sucked into the world of EverQuest.
Three weeks ago, I answered a personal ad online and met a very
cool guy named Bill. We chatted a bit over email and learned that
we had a lot in common. We both like indie movies, architecture/design,
tarot cards, reading fantasy novels, tattoos, and so on. It turns
out that he lived literally around the block from me. We were
neighbors. So, we met at Espresso Bravo and had a very nice time.
He's my height, athletic, great smile, buzzed blond hair, blue eyes,
goattee, lots of tattoos (including a beautiful full back piece of
cherry blossoms taken from a Japanese kimono design), and he's very
We've gone out, hung out and watched Buffy, had lunch, and just
enjoyed each other's company. We're taking things moderately.
We've had a couple of discussions about expectations and such. He
is looking for a long-term relationships and he really wants to
make sure the person he is with is right enough before he makes
the full commitment. Sounds like an obvious plan. But, we've
talked and we're both not sure how far we'll go together. We
want to make sure to preserve our friendship. I think I'm more
willing to let things progress and to take the risk. He's been
in a couple very long term relationships that didn't work out and
is a bit more wary. He doesn't want to hurt me or himself. I
guess I'm part of the old romantic school -- better to have love
and lost than never to have loved at all. I told him that as
long as he didn't do anything so cheesy and so hurtful, I would
remain his friend even after "we" had ended. But we're not
anywhere near that stage of the game.
[ 1 2 . 0 3 . 9 9 cont. ]
In the beginning, he felt a little under pressure. I know I bond a
little too quickly. Plus, him being one of the first real friendships
I've found in the city combined with a romantic possibility, just made
things a little intense. But, we're fine. He and I are having fun
and enjoying one another's company. It's pretty cool. It's very cool.
I've hit a plateau point in my everday life here in SF. I'm doing my
best not to get too caught up in my own stress or my own anxiety.
It's not easy all of the time, but I manage. I have been taking care
of myself and watching my own back. And I've been making investment
into the things that are mutual, reciprocal, and beneficial.
But things aren't clicking and frankly I'm not sure SF is the end all
be all place for me. The move has been tremendous and I don't regret
it whatsoever. I think I needed to "pull a geographical" and start
over someplace else. It's helped me reinvent parts of myself and it's
set my compass a little. Emotional and spiritual triangulation.
I have been a little edgy lately. I think because I'm having
anticipatory anxiety over returning to Maryland for the first time
in almost a year. I'm not sure what I'm going to discover. I do
know that it will galvanize my position either to remain in SF or
to move on or back to Maryland.
I've made PRO and CON lists for both going and staying. They're
actually pretty balanced, which clues me in that either decision
would be acceptable. I certainly don't feel like I've failed --
a first for this perfectionist. If I stay, great. If I return
to Maryland, great. I've done something that very few people can
do. And I've maintained life in a new place for a year. It is
an accomplishment in of itself.
I feel like a character out of a 19th century novel who has spent
the year abroad and now is returning home. The return of the
native of the 90s. But, I don't know yet. Let's see what the
new year brings. I did decide that if things in SF don't connect
more, click more, and welcome me more by probably summer of next
year, I will try life elsewhere.
I am totally excited to see people back East. So, get ready to
receive me big. I know I have planned a few gaming sessions with
the old group. And I hope to have a gathering for the UMCP crowd
as well. I'll be flying in late on December 22 and staying
through New Year's and leaving on January 2 (barring Y2K
difficulties). Since I'm not working and just lollygagging
around my father's house (or whomever's house I'm couch surfing
at), please feel free to visit with me. I'll email out the
number where I'll be once I get back.
It'll be good to drive again! I miss my car.
Well, that's it for now. Please email me or call me. Yes, yes,
I know I'll be back there soon, but till then I still enjoy the
contact. Talk to everyone soon.
[ i n d e x E D ]
© 2001 Edmond Y. Chang. All original material. All rights reserved.
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