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The following online journal entries are from October 1999. They are taken from my written journal. |
I am selfish about my life. I’m trying to protect myself here in SF. And I feel so completely isolated. And the past week has been especially bad for me. I keep trying to reach out to either Sarah or to Alenda and I just feel stymied. I don’t know how to explain myself without sounding like a complete whiner or a loser or a needy fuck-up. I am too hard on myself. Sigh. I tried to talk to Alenda last night, but she was playing EverQuest and really couldn’t focus on the phone. Finally, she asked me what I wanted and I said that I really wanted someone who could give me some focused time. I need to be able to talk about things in detail and work them out in detail. I don’t know. I just don’t know if Alenda or Sarah can relate. I don’t think they can. They are completely in different situations than me. Do they understand where I’m coming from? Do they want to put themselves in my shoes? Or is my situation so completely alien and inaccessible that it doesn’t matter to them. If it is, then I get dismissed. And I absolutely hate that. I went to the Wednesday night gathering (this week it was at the Metro) and basically felt completely alone. I don’t connect with those people. I don’t know why I go. I go because it’s a chance to get out of the apartment. I go because every once in a while I get a chance to talk to some one. I go because Sarah goes. But, she was with Jude (one of her new friends) and basically it didn’t matter if I was there or not. I went because I was going to meet Duke (who I will get into later and who was late to the gathering). I guess I should stop trying to make a group of people my friends if they just don’t seem like they would be my friends. That’s the honest truth. I should just start hanging out with people that actually understand me, appreciate me, affirm me, and are honestly invested in my life. I say that a lot, don’t I? (And I talk to myself a lot, too. I wonder what that means?) Back in Maryland, it was the same situation. I was involved in a group of people that really didn’t think about me and my life in an open-handed, extroverted, demonstrative (is the better word) way. Part of the problem is that I’m controlling and dominating in my personality. I think that tends to shy people away from me. Maybe they think I have it together and that my vulnerability makes them uncomfortable. I have actually been told that most people don’t know what to do when they see me break down or break apart. They’re used to seeing me pulled together, in control, confident. But even the most together of people have bad days. Some even have a lot of bad days, one right after another. What do I want? What do I need? I guess those are the end all, be all questions. But I come up with the same responses: to be happy, to be wanted, to be affirmed, to be appreciated. I like being at work because I am constantly being given affirmation and attention. I guess I really need that kind of petting. It’s important to me and affects whether I thrive or die. I can’t wait till my medical insurance kicks in so I can find a therapist to go to. I really need to work on more of myself and my internal struggles. I need to work on my self-perception and my self-value. I need to understand why I keep beating the crap out of myself and expecting the world to be just so or perfect or more consoling. |
It is difficult being a romantic and an idealist and a perfectionist. It spells for a lot of personal, emotional trouble. I think I’ve witnessed and survived enough pain in my life that the rose-colored contacts have fallen away. But, part of me really clings to the idea, the flame, that people, places, things can live up to the high expectations I’ve concocted him my brain. My world view skews from the picture-perfect to the cynical-depressive. I feel let down all of the time. I feel like SF has let me down. I feel like my apartment has let me down. I feel like my friends have let me down. I feel like my family has let me down. Why? I think I am just way too dependent on the outside world. And the solace that I find in creating a distant and hermitic life might be protective but it’s totally lonely. I feel taken for granted. It’s irrational. I feel like I will always be the stable one, the stalwart friend, the guy that will BE there. And my friends can run off and do what they want knowing that if they turn around I’ll still be standing there. Sometimes I want to be recognized. I’m the terminally misunderstood or misbegotten sidekick or best friend. I don’t seem to be able to play the leading part, the main hero. Again, what do I want? I want someone to ask me at least once a week, "What book are you reading now?" or "What are your plans for next year?" or "Do you miss Maryland?" or "So, Ed, how’s the Tellings worldbook coming along? What have you got in store?" or "How’s work been and are you thinking about taking that promotion?" or "I haven’t seen you in a while. Let’s get together soon," or "I know this great person that you should meet. Let’s all go out," or "You’ve been in the apartment too long. So, I think we should explore a new part of the city," or "Why do you look so lonely?" And if someone says one of those things, they stick around for the full answer or for the full time. Bitter, bitter, bitter. Sad, sad, sad. I just am out of sorts. And I hate it. I know I need to not harbor resentment. I’m working on it. But it’s hard when I’m so damned lonely all the time, when I really want some sort of significant human interaction and all I get is a "hello...goodbye" or "I’m sorry I can’t do that" or "You’ll just have to wait till I have time" or "maybe...maybe...maybe." How do I see to my needs? How do I see to my insecurities? How do I make myself feel more comfortable? Therein lies the rub. I always talk myself out of feeling bad. I guess that’s not a bad thing in of itself. But it seems that I’ve had to do it so much these days. I know that stability is what I need. I know that I need a sense of belonging. I guess I’m just not getting that right now. But, things are slowly coming together. I’m doing the best I can. |
journal
© 2001 Edmond Y. Chang. All original material. All rights reserved.
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