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[ j o u r n a l ]
The following online journal entries are from September 1999.
They are taken from older version of my website and emails I sent to friends.
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[ 0 9 . 2 8 . 9 9 cont. ]
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FRIENDS
I miss my friends (yes, all of you) back home. It's definitely a case
of 'you don't realize how much you care until it's gone'. I know I
talk about this all the time. But, I miss the outlet I have when I'm
with my friends. I miss gaming. I miss going to the movies. I miss
going down to the clubs, to Tracks, to Dupont Circle. Whenever I hear
from someone, it always puts me in a state of nostalgia for the rest
of the day.
I have a few acquaintances. And some are becoming a bit more than
that. But, so far, no one has come into my life that I've hung out
with on a regular basis. Other than Sarah, my friendships have been
tenuous at best and rather hit and miss. Mostly miss. But I'll give
you a run down of the cast of characters so far:
Julie is at the top of my list. She's a petite woman, blonde,
sometimes wears glasses, and has a sweet face and generally upbeat
personality. I met her at Espresso Bravo, where she worked. She goes
to school at City College and is studying anthropology I believe.
She's genuine and really tries to give me love and attention when
she can. Like most people I've met, she's totally busy and her life
is just as complicated as everyone elses. We meet up every now and
then over coffee. Last week, I met her at the coffee house, I
brought a couple of beers, she poured them into coffee cups, and
we sat and chatted and listened to a folk singer performing that night.
Sam, Michael, John, Shannon, and Alissa are my ex-work cohorts.
Though, with the last three weeks at the Academy being hellish, I
haven't really heard from any of them. Hopefully, I'll be able to
be friends with some of them. I've spent a lot of time with Sam in
the past; he's tall, dark haired, handsome, with a rock star's
charisma -- because he is a rock star -- he's in a band at least
called Frequency db -- you can look them up on the web. But, I
know he's not staying in SF much longer. He's originally from the
Pacific NW and is returning to work on his music. He's totally
talented and I hope his future is bright. I haven't talked to
the rest in a while. We'll see what happens.
Tobie was the first person I talked to in SF. She used to work
at Espresso Bravo. An independent sort. Almost your classic coffee
grrl: tall, at times strangly dirty blond hair, big smile, simple
but hip clothes, and a penchant for gab. I really like her. But
we don't quite click. She's very loving. And sometimes a little
too blunt and a little too free with telling me about herself.
But, we call each other every now and then and get together to chat.
Through her and the coffee house, I met part of the Irish
contingent in the Mission -- Mo, Niall, Ted, and others. All from
Ireland -- all very sweet. Niall's moved on from SF. I run into
Mo and Ted every now and then.
Rachel, Patrick, Michael, Richard, Melissa, Judy, Jennifer, Lewis,
Jonathan, et al are the Wednesday night Happy Hour crew. Sarah
works with Lewis who is friends with Rachel who is friends with
other people in the group. We got invited along when we first
moved into the Mission. And now we go out with them almost every
Wednesday. The bar is picked usually the Monday or Tuesday before.
Most of the time, the location is in our neighborhood. I don't
click with most of the people in the group. They are a few years
older and their priorities are in different places.
Every time we go to a gathering or a barbecue or a party, I feel
like I've stepped into an episode of the Real World meets
thirtysomething. I've had more than one person note that
everyone sometimes seems to really not understand one another,
but they get together because it is something to do. Most of
the group is queer -- a plus. The core group have been friends
for a very long time. And the rest of us seem like satellites
circling them. Most people bring their own friends to Wednesday
nights. So, the group fluctuates in size. Fortunately, I've met
other people that might be potential friends.
FRIENDS & GAMING:
A couple of weeks ago, I placed a few ads around town looking to
start a gaming group. I finally visited Gamescape, the only
role-playing game store I've discovered in SF. It was a nice
place. I walked in and said to Sarah, "This place SMELLS like
a gaming store." I think there is something about paper and
books and dice that has a certain friendly mustiness to it.
I put up a flyer there and a few flyers in local coffee shops.
I also posted a few ads online.
Within a week, I got a response from a guy named Alex. He's a
native San Franciscan (very rare in a city of immigrants and
pilgrims and travelers). And he called to see if I would be
interested in becoming the game master for his group of friends.
He described themselves as "down to earth, mature, and guys
that just like to get together and game." I met him at Bravo.
He doesn't look like the sterotypical gamer. He's tall, broad
shouldered, clean cut, and an amateur bodybuilder. He says his
two passions in life are gaming and going to the gym. Definitely
a man of many talents. We talked and it seems we're going to
make a go of it. Our first gaming session will be this coming
weekend. If I like their style and they like my style, then
perhaps this will become a regular group.
I've roped Sarah in to playing. Alex's group is entirely made
up of guys. So, I really wanted to make an attempt at gender
balance. It should be an interesting time. They've been playing
since they were in junior high. Some of them have known each
other since then. And they've got a ton of stuff to use and
a cool place to play. We'll see what happens.
LOVE
Oi vey. Not a good subject these days. Actually, pretty
non-existant, actually. I'm too worried about myself right
now to worry about anyone else. And I think the whole notion
of finding a boyfriend simple seems stupid. I'm not in the
right space for it. And I know that. That doesn't mean I don't
want one or that I don't get lonely. It just means that my
insecurities about love and relationships are just part of
the larger insecurities. I just need to deal with the big ones first.
For the most part, I'm just tired of dealing with it. I'm
trying to learn a little about my own feelings and my own
desires and my own concepts of love.
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[ 0 9 . 2 8 . 9 9 cont. ]
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I went to a screening of three short films at the Victoria
Theatre (a small, indie house down the street). Under the
title "Rice and Potatoes," three films were shown about the
relationships between queer Asian American and caucasian men. It
was pretty interesting. The first film was called "The Queen's
Cantonese" and took the form of three language "lessons" -- as
if teaching someone how to speak cantonese -- but the subtext
and the "language dramatizations" focused on young men navigating
an interracial relationship. TQC was funny, over the top, and
interesting -- I'm curious as to how this conversation about
race doesn't become racist at some point. The second film was
called "A Seeker" and was a motion graphic (mostly text and
images moving around) film with a monologue about looking for
love. It was pretty but I wasn't really touched by it. The
third film was called "Rice and Potatoes" and was a documentary
of about 10 couples (I think from the bay area) talking about
Asian American and caucasian gay male relationships. It addressed
stereotypes and preconcieved notions about masculinity, sexual
versatility, courtship, families, expectations, and so on. I
found the documentary to simply reinforce too many stereotypes
but it was interesting to map myself into the conversation to
see how I fit in. (I would recommend the documentary to be
shown at schools, though.)
When Sarah and I walked out of the movies, I asked her, "So,
where do you think I fit in?" She said that most of the things
they described about gay Asian men did not fit me at all. I was
not passive. I was not exclusively "a bottom." I was not
closeted. Physically, I looked like none of the people in the
film -- most were thin, boyish, and markedly effeminate.
Fascinatingly, I have encountered a few men in SF who would fit
a little too neatly into the "rice and potato" formula -- me
being the rice and they being the potato. All of the men that
have approached me, either via my online ad or out in the street,
have been white, older (usually be at least 10 years), upper
middle class or affluent, educated, well traveled, and "tops."
Since they took a chance on a rather alternative looking Asian
guy, I would talk to them. But, I think, after I showed them
that I spoke for myself, made my own very clear decisions, wasn't
afraid of my opinions, could be quite aggressive socially and
romantically, it made them uncomfortable. Realistically, I wasn't
interested in them. Maybe as friends.
To this day, my streak with straight women, lesbians, and straight
men continues. They seem to be the only people who are interested
in talking to me and chatting me up. I'm not quite sure why.
Sarah's is dumbfounded. Everyone but gay men are completely
friendly to me and approach me all the time.
Like I said before ... I don't really care right now. I have
bigger fish to fry.
LIFE
Overall, things seem to be pretty good. Moving in a positive
direction. But, it's been pretty rough. Really. And I can't
quite form words to explain things. I think that's why it's
taken me so long to write this email. I am not going to get
into the depths of it here. But, if you're interested, you can
always ask me about things.
The transition is still in process. And at times has been
pretty gut wrenching. I think when I first moved to SF, it
was just simply shock and awe -- the confusion of learning a
new city -- the simple realization of the distance I had
traveled. Months later, after settling in the apartment, it
became homesickness and stress over stability. Now, eight months
into the move, deeper feelings are arising. I think I'm just
too stressed. Too much has changed in my life all at once.
The disruption, like a lightning bolt, has broken everything
apart. The stress of every day life is being complicated by
the stress of living. I don't know where I am and I don't
know who I am. Double whammee. Everything I used to define
myself by is gone. So, I'm scrambling to find new definitions
and revise old ones.
It's frustrating. And paralyzing. I have been in a pretty
significant depression the last couple of weeks. Especially
around the first of the month ... when money becomes a huge
issue. I'm at a loss right now. And there is too much fear
in my life. Fortunately, I'm coping. Barely.
I've been thinking a lot about moving back to the East Coast.
But, I'm not sure that would solve anything. If I moved back,
I wouldn't have a place to live nor anything to live on. I
would be in the same situation I am out here ... except here,
in SF, I have a new apartment, newly bought furniture, a bed,
and what not. If I moved back, I would have to start over a
second time. True, I would have my circle of friends back.
But, I don't think I could slip back into my old life. Again,
I'm at a loss.
OUTLOOK:
Life is moving very slowly for me right now. And I hope the
pace allows me to adjust a bit more and relax a bit more.
I am taking things a baby step at a time. But looking for
another dead-end job just seems futile to me. I guess a change
in perception is in order. I don't think I could take a job
just to survive. I'd much rather give up. Sounds so desperate,
I know. I'll do what I can.
Part of the climb out of this gloomy time is expression. And I
know I have to talk about it, write about, and transform it.
The past few weeks have been too insular, isolated, and
introverted. I'm just sad. Disappointed. The promised land
of SF is just another few square miles of the same problems.
But there are different opportunities here. I know that. I
just have to find them. Or let them find me.
I've allowed myself a little escapism. I've been playing
EverQuest
(an online RPG game). And I've actually been reading. Strange,
huh? I just finished the Last Herald Mage series by
Mercedes Lackey. Pretty fun and light fantasy. But it was
entertaining. And she is one of the premiere fantasy writers
that include queer characters. A bit stereotypical. But, it was
good to immerse in the story. I'm now reading Tolkien, finally.
Though, I'm finding The Hobbit a bit too juvenile for
my tastes. It would be a great book to read aloud (since it
was originally a bedtime story). But I'm going to read through
it and then start The Lord of the Rings.
I guess I'm still trying. The odds seem stacked wrong to me,
though. But I'm still trying. That's all I guess I can say and do.
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