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The following online journal entries are from February 1999. They are taken from older version of my website.
"With the start of the new year, I started a new chapter in my life. After living in Maryland and the Washington, DC metropolitan area for twenty-eight years, I decided to make a change, to head for a different horizon, to embark on a great adventure. On January 5, 1999, I boarded a plane for San Francisco. In a matter of hours, I was on different soil and on a new path. Many of the entries from January to March are drawn from my written journal. I hope the best for my journey and I hope you find some pleasure and some power in reading about my travails. Cheers." --from my last website, 1999 |
Friday. 11:15 PM. Another Friday. Another week. Another weekend. Well, it's my one month anniversary here in San Francisco. I guess it's pretty exciting. I'm hoping that the next month will be a good one and a settling one. The day was okay. Strangely stressful. Weird. I bleached my hair today. It's blonde/yellow with light blue tips. I'll leave it like this for a little while. Sarah and I went to Borders to get Niall a going away present. I bought him a guidebook for Australia (thinking he hadn't gone there yet). Unfortunately, when we went to the coffee shop to give it to him, he had already been to Australia. But, he was really appreciative. He says he doesn't usually get gifts. He liked the book. I had wanted to get him a book for Canada because he had mentioned wanting to travel around the northern part of the continent. But, he was happy. It was Niall's last night. He leaves on Sunday. It's a mixed occasion is going home. I'm going to miss him. It's funny to see how much I kind of dote on guys I'm a little sweet on. Sarah and I hung out there for a little bit. Finding parking was horrendous. We had to park in a garage and pay money. We went to Zante's for some Indian pizza. It was pretty good. On the way back to Espresso Bravo, we stopped and got a small bottle of Bushmill's for Niall. When we got back, Mo came in. It was good to see him. He's so great. He was in a good mood. And he's totally nice to me. He's 6'7". Can you believe it? He's such a huge guy. We talked a bit. Mo left and said that he'd see me around. I hope so. Niall made us some Irish coffees. It was good. I learned that Niall is 27. We talked about age and about what we wanted to do with our lives. I'm going to definitely miss him.
Saturday. 10:21 AM. I really didn't get a chance to finish last night's entry. I started typing near midnight and just was too tired. It didn't help that I had a pretty strong Irish Coffee (made with Bushmill's) and a beer. I was a little buzzed and sleepy. I'm trying to think of powerful things to say about my one month anniversary here in SF. And all I'm coming up with is that I'm going through growing pains. That's about it. I think I've beleaguered the whole "I miss this" and "I miss that" thing. I guess that's just what I'm going to be saying until I get settled. Hopefully, the transformation will come where I'll be saying, "Gee, this is pretty cool" and "I like this" and "I discovered this." Yesterday, Sarah and I talked for a bit about our living situation. She finally decided that she wanted to live with me and that she was going to tell Laura. We talked about how to tell Laura. We also hypothesized that the conversation with Laura would not go well. Sarah's been mulling the decision for a few days now. She knows that she's much happier spending time with me. She knows that our personalities are much more alike. She knows that we both like to live in similar ways -- same tastes in decorations, same tastes in food, same tidiness levels, same shopping habits, same bathroom habits. Basically, we are just more compatible. She doesn't want to lose Laura as a friend. But, she doesn't want to live with her. I can't help but feel responsible for a lot of these changes. I don't feel guilty but I do feel bad. Sarah and I share a lot more history and a lot more karmic connectivity than Sarah and Laura. Sarah and I do get along a lot better and we've been spending a lot of time together. Laura has been feeling left out. She works during the day and when she gets home, Sarah and I are usually already out in the city. But her attitude and her behavior have been extremely awkward and passive aggressive. She doesn't know how to deal with our dynamic. So, she tries to break in through interruption, through disruption, and through manipulation. |
For example, Sarah and I will be in a conversation standing in the kitchen. Laura will simply walk up, between us or behind me, and just start talking to Sarah. It's completely out of the blue and there isn't any attempt to say, "Hey, what are you guys talking about?" or "Let me interrupt a second, I need to tell Sarah something." Sarah has said that she had forgotten how needy and manipulative Laura is. She was reminded of it when I started to talk about it. Anyway, she took Laura to work this morning and she's going to use the car ride as a way to bring up the subject. I have no idea what is going to happen. Laura is not a dumb person. She's been noticing how much time Sarah and I spend together and she has even commented how well we get along. She's said that Sarah seems to be tired and depressed whenever they hang out but not when Sarah and I hang out. I like certain aspects of Laura and I still think that she's a decent person. And I never wanted to make this a "us" against "her" thing. And I hope it doesn't go that route. Sarah's talked to Tara about it all and when she told Tara that she was moving in with me, Tara felt it was the best choice. Sarah wants to live somewhere where she will be comfortable and at ease. Sarah has said that she likes spending time with Laura -- talking about lesbian stuff, going to women's events, meeting mutual friends. But, she doesn't want to live with her. It will definitely screw around with the "original plan." Laura gave up her apartment in the city to move to Pacifica to save money. Her lease was up and she was paying too much in her mind. She also moved out because Sarah was coming to town and they would find a place together. Then, I came into the mix. Sarah wanted me to move out to SF and the three of us could find a flat. Unfortunately, the "original plan" just doesn't work out in the details. Sarah has been wrangling for a while. She really doesn't want to go back on her word to Laura. Laura has said that she would've have moved to Pacifica whether or not Sarah came to SF. Laura has said that the main reason she left her apartment was to save money. Laura's credit isn't good. In fact, it's awful. Beth has had to co-sign for her in the past and will have to for her next apartment. Laura wanted to room with Sarah because she could get a bit more out of her money in a roommate situation. But she doesn't want to just roommate with anyone. Personally, I don't really understand Laura's motivations or conception of saving money sometimes. She needs to save money but she spends hours on the phone long-distance with her girlfriend every night. She goes to the market and buys over thirty dollars worth of tea on a whim. She has consolidated her debt and can no longer use her credit cards. Yet, she gives money to Beth buy her a plane ticket with Beth's credit card so she can go on a weekend trip to Philadelphia. I guess I shouldn't be rambling about the whole situation. A lot of this is ad hominem against Laura. I just hope the whole situation turns out well. I would hate to piss off Laura and the somehow piss off Beth (since Beth is Laura's friend originally) and then both Sarah and I are completely homeless. On a more positive note, I'm totally looking forward to finding an apartment. I'm going to go to RentTech and switch my search from roommate to rentals. Hopefully, Sarah's lead on a job with the SF Lighthouse for the Blind will be landed and we can apply immediately for a place to live. Though, everyone we've talked to in the city has said that most places will approve your application without complete assurance of employment and even with bad credit. I guess they want the money. If you fuck up, they can kick you out and keep your deposit. I'm going to ask Dadi to co-sign for me, if possible. We should be fine, then. I have enough money right now to support both of us for a few months. And both Sarah and I can get part-time work to extend that money. |
journal
© 2001 Edmond Y. Chang. All original material. All rights reserved.
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