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The following online journal entries are from January 1999. They are taken from older version of my website.
"With the start of the new year, I started a new chapter in my life. After living in Maryland and the Washington, DC metropolitan area for twenty-eight years, I decided to make a change, to head for a different horizon, to embark on a great adventure. On January 5, 1999, I boarded a plane for San Francisco. In a matter of hours, I was on different soil and on a new path. Many of the entries from January to March are drawn from my written journal. I hope the best for my journey and I hope you find some pleasure and some power in reading about my travails. Cheers." --from my last website, 1999 |
Friday. 8:39 PM. I'm not exactly sure what to say. I'm starting this journal entry with a bit of trepidation, distraction, lack of focus, and just plain confusion. I'm not sure what to put down on paper. Things seem trivial and unimportant to record or transient and too changing to commit to writing. I'm sitting here in an empty house. No one is home except for me. Beth and Steve (her near live-in lover) are away for the weekend. Laura is spending the evening in the city. Sarah is at the airport picking up Tara (her long-distance girlfriend). And the other roomies (Liz and Joan) are not in and may not come in this weekend. So, it's just me -- and the cats and the rats. I'm eating pizza that I made. I've been doing a lot of cooking actually. I make dinner almost every night. Last night I made an array of side dishes of the Thanksgiving dinner variety -- homemade stuffing, whole kernel corn, honey-glazed carrots and green squash, rosemary and garlic mashed potatoes with gravy, and bread. I forgot to buy some cranberry sauce. It was delicious, though. The night before I made spaghetti squash with a red sauce and green salad. Previous nights I've made vegetable stew over rice. I've done stir fry of almost every imaginable combination. I've discovered a white radish called daikon, which I really like. It's a little bitter, almost peppery, and is a great addition to any stir fry. The week started out with some disappointment. On Tuesday, I found out from Dave that I didn't get the apartment. He decided to go with someone else. Beth came home that day and told me that she had run into Dave. She said that he told her that he gave the room to someone who worked two jobs. He really liked me but he wanted someone who wasn't going to spend much time in the apartment. At least he thought I was a cool guy. It was a disappointment. I really hoped to find something soon and just get myself situated and settled. Oh well. Sarah also got bad news. One of the jobs she applied for with William Sonoma -- fell through. So, she was bummed. We both were bummed. I did go to El Cerrito on Sunday to stay with Sara and Ramon. Sarah took me over there late Sunday afternoon. El Cerrito is not that far from SF. It's a little past Berkeley. It's about 45 minutes from Pacifica. Well, she dropped me off. It felt really strange. I felt like I was leaving again. I got really tight-chested and sad. Sarah felt the same way. It felt like she was seeing me off to the airport and I wasn't going to see her again. I really didn't like it. Sara and Ramon were both really nice people. Very friendly. We talked about a lot of stuff. They had friends come over that night for dinner and a movie. We made a stir fry and watched Gross Pointe Blank. It was okay. I felt really out of place. I felt like I was totally in the way. Sara and I talked a bit after Ramon went to bed (he had to be up early to go to work the next morning). Sara and I stayed up and watched television and chatted about school, my sister, making movies, watching movies. It was cool. We both slept in the living room on two separate futons. I had a really tough time getting to sleep that night. I kept waking up. I kept tossing and turning. The next morning, Sara and I hung out and watched TV all day. I eventually called Sarah and she came over in the afternoon. We decided to BART into the city. The BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) station is right across the street from Sara and Ramon's apartment. It's pretty cool -- a lot like the DC Metro trains. It's expensive, too. To get from El Cerrito to the 16th & Mission stop cost $2.90 one way. I decided that I wanted to go back to Pacifica. Sarah said I could go home with her that night and we could talk to Beth. I really felt out of touch in El Cerrito. I didn't have access to a computer. The apartment was barely furnished. And I felt like I was in the way even though Sara and Ramon totally welcomed me. So, I spent the night in Pacifica on Monday night. I talked to Beth and she didn't seem to mind me staying in her house for a little while longer. She described me as "low impact." The next day, I went and bought a little tea kettle for Sara and Ramon because they didn't have one in the apartment. Only Ramon was in when I returned to El Cerrito to get my stuff. We watched the tail end of Buffy and then I left. I felt bad. They had welcomed me into their home. But, I needed to go back to Pacifica. I felt better there. I was close to Sarah and she really makes me feel safer, more at ease, comfortable, and better natured. It's been a relatively quiet week. I really haven't had many leads on jobs or apartments. I'm hoping this weekend brings a few more possibilities. Sarah and I have been spending a lot of time in the city, especially at Espresso Bravo (I think that's its full name). I really like that coffee house. We haven't seen Tobie in a while. But, I decided that I wanted to meet more people. So, I struck up a conversation with one of the guys that works at the coffee place. I really wanted to because he was pretty cute. He spoke with an accent and I was pretty sure he was Irish. Well, turns out his name is Niall and he is from Ireland. He's been traveling all over the place. He's been in SF for a couple of months staying with friends. He's staying for about another month and then heading to Central America for bit and then probably back to Ireland. He's a little shorter than me, thin of build, reddish hair dyed a bit redder, alternative in dress, mild mannered, and musically voiced. His accent is extremely charming. We've chatted a few times. I'm pretty sure he's straight. In fact, I think Tobie told me he was straight. But, I like knowing another person in the city. Today, Sarah and I went to Bravo and saw Niall again. Tonight, I talked to another person that works at the coffee shop named Oyu (I think that's right...it's that or Uyo) and she's Asian, petite, a bit on the quiet side, but friendly.
Saturday. 9:07 AM. Hello, Saturday morning. It's been raining since last night. We had a little period where it dried up and the sun came out yesterday. But, now, it's back to a typical January day in SF. Actually, the rain last night was very comforting. I really like hearing the rain fall against the house. It's very soothing. I'm a little tired. I slept okay. I did wake up crying though. I haven't done that in a while. I was having a dream about Ceti. I dreamed he was somewhere (the details are not clear anymore) and he wasn't happy. He was meowing and crying for me. Immediately, I was overcome by a sense of sadness, homesickness, and guilt. I started to cry. And I woke up from the dream crying. I let myself cry a bit. I think I needed to let some of this anxiety and stress out. It is a bit distressing to know that my life is under so much pressure that my mind, my heart needs to use the release valve through my dreams. I can't cry in the waking world. So, I cry in my dreams. It's okay. Tara, Sarah's girlfriend, came into town last night. Sarah picked her up from the airport around nine o'clock and they got back to the Pacifica house around ten. Tara is tall, slim without being undernourished, sturdy, short curly haired, and has a great smile. Her energy is a lot like Sarah's (and a lot like mine). I think our humor clicks. I already like her a lot. I am already impressed by her. She's a medical student going to school near St. Louis (I don't remember the school right now). She's Buddhist. She's vegetarian. She's grounded. I really do like her and I can see why Sarah's crazy about her. |
Sunday. 10:59 AM. It's almost the end of my third week here in the Bay area. The weekend has been okay. Yesterday was a mixed day. I woke up early and entertained myself. I made some zucchini and carrot bread. I played online and answered some of my email. My allergies for some reason kicked in and I couldn't shake them. I had even taken a Claritin, allergy medicine, and I still was sneezing and blowing my nose all day. I had my first date here in San Francisco. Mark Malone, a 37 year old gay man, answered my personal ad. We emailed each other a few times. And I've talked on the phone with him a bit. He seemed like a really nice fellow. Well, we decided to meet yesterday. He came and picked me up. He's tall, 6 foot, very short blonde hair, goatee, muscular body. He looks Irish and he's left handed. He's got a nice smile and he's very friendly. We went to lunch in the Castro at a noodle bar called Nirvana. Lunch was very good and our conversation was well-paced and interesting. After lunch, he drove me around the northern part of the city a bit (around Geary and Masonic) where all the rich houses are. Then, he took me across the Golden Gate Bridge. We stopped in the Marin headlands and walked around the Golden Gate national park a bit. It was beautiful. Sunny, relatively warm, a bit windy. But the view of the city was immense. I love watching hearing crashing waves. We walked around a bit. He made a couple of small gestures -- like he'd moved up close behind me or he'd rub my back a little. Finally, in the car, he put his hand on mine and we just held hands a bit. It was very sweet. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I'm totally attracted to Mark. I'm definitely enjoying the attention. And I'm pretty hormonal right now -- or is horny the better word? He's cute. He matches a lot of what I want in a guy. But, the age does make a difference, I think. And I think we're in different places in our lives. I guess if we can negotiate that, then things should be fine. He's definitely interested in me. And I really like that. After the park, we drove back to the city and he dropped me off in the Mission at Espresso Bravo. I was going to meet up with Sarah and Tara later. Before I left, we sat in the car and chatted a little. I told him that I had a nice time and that I definitely wanted to go out again. He smiled and just looked at me. I hugged him and then went to kiss him lightly. But, he gave me a real kiss. A deep kiss. So, I kissed back. (If this had been an evening date, I'm pretty sure it would've lead to more vigorous activities.) So, I guess I'm just going to wait and see what happens.
Sunday. 5:22 PM. I'm in a not-so-good mood. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm just a little tired, a little overwhelmed, a little cranky, and a little sad. It's just mixing together in a foul, tepid swirl. (What lovely imagery.) I feel a bit alone, too. A bit isolated. I think it's hard for me to see Sarah and Tara spending so much time and energy together. And I told Sarah that I'd get a little jealous. And I am. I fell out of the loop. Tara leaves tonight at midnight taking the red-eye back to St. Louis. This morning, Tara, Sarah, Laura, and I went to the Chat House café for breakfast. Sarah and Laura had a friend in town that they wanted to see. So, we met them for breakfast. Afterwards, we came back to Pacifica. We went to the beach for a bit. Then, we've just been home. The women are watching Fire right now -- the great queer film from India. I wanted to spend a little time by myself. So, I've just been looking around online. I had a long phone conversation with a guy named Scott (nicknamed "Tofu"), who answered my personal ad. He seems like a nice guy. He's 35 and an artist, a painter. We talked about astrology and living in SF and stuff like that. We might meet up this week sometime. Mark called me today and left a message on the answering machine. I called him back. He's working today. He wants to get together this week. That'll be nice. I actually want to ask him to stop by for a little bit (depending on how late he's going to be at work). I'm feeling a little lonely and a bit of attention might be nice. Well, the folks back in Maryland had their first Archaea event yesterday (sans me). It looks like things are rolling along quite nicely. It still makes me feel weird. I still feel so "replaced." They're doing things that seem like comments on my inability to get things done. I know they're just trying to run the game as best as they can. And since there are more people involved in the administration of the game, they have more time to focus on different aspects. Time that I may not have had -- like with petitions or character histories or whatnot. So, I feel like I've failed and they're glad that I'm finally out of the way. Then, they can have free reign to do it right. I know this is irrational. I know I'm just being overly sensitive. And in the end, what does it matter? I'm not there. I can't do anything about it. I don't know. I really don't. And I don't even think I want to try to fathom it all out...whatever "it" is. This weekend has been okay. It hasn't been as productive as past weekends. But, Sarah's been distracted with Tara -- which is fine. I don't know. Saturday night, we three went to The Café. By the time we got there, it was really crowded. But, we got to dance some. Again, I felt totally out of place. I need to stop taking this whole dating scene so seriously. It's getting me down and giving me grief. I just wish I knew that someone -- one person out of the whole night -- found me attractive and showed it to me. It would make me feel so much better. An amazing thing did happen on Saturday night. I ran into Paul Jack. Paul went to UMCP and was part of the LGBTA last year. Then, after meeting some guy, decided to move to SF to join a company. Well, he basically fell off the face of the map. No one heard from him for months. I knew that when I came out here, I would eventually run into him. Well, last night, at The Café, I ran into him. I was walking to the upper bar area and I hear, "Ed!" I turn around and it's Paul. We talk for a bit. He doesn't have a job. The company he came out to SF for screwed him over. He's living someplace scary. He has a boyfriend. That's all I know. But, he seems happy and he really likes it in SF. So, I guess that's all that matters. I really didn't know Paul in Maryland. But, this might be an opportunity to get to know him. At least it's another contact in the city. Folks back home will be surprised that I ran into him. I knew it would happen. The world isn't that big. And the gay scene is even smaller. Anyway. |
journal
© 2001 Edmond Y. Chang. All original material. All rights reserved.
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