8:21 PM. In a way, I'm really glad that I have this page. It serves as a surrogate for my actual journal. I've been printing out these entries and adding them to my handwritten journal. It keeps everything in neat and complete order. Though, I've been finding that it is sometimes easier to pop online and just quickly spatter out a few hundred lines than it is to write long hand. I guess that's why there is always so much to read here.

What is there to tell? Basically, my day-to-day life is not-so-good. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. And I'm starting to become a bit of a wreck. Wherefore? As I said in my last entry, I haven't been sleeping well. Now, my nights are being turned upsidedown by anxiety dreams. It isn't fun. I wake up a mess, sometimes in tears. And I don't know what to do about it. The stress is wearing me down. And it all began as soon as I started to work on my Master's thesis again. I'm doing the best I can. And yet I'm tortured in both my waking and dreaming life. Fun, huh?

I've got a lot on my mind. Doesn't sound too bad. But, I guess it is bad enough that I'm losing sleep over it. (A poor pun at a poor time -- I should be struck soundly with a blunt object.) Life's tearing me up and I can't find the scotch tape and the band-aids.

Every time I sit down to do one of these entries, I'm am overwhelmed. I just have too much to write about at one time. And by the time I address one thing, I'm too tired to get to the other twenty-five items on the list.

I am plagued by a deepening sense of melancholic misanthropia. I just don't like being around many folks these days. I'm finding people to be too hurried, too worried, too insincere, and too self-serving. What else is new, right? Pardon my cynicism. I don't want to lump the whole of humanity into any one pigeon hole. But, if the dowel rod fits...

I had two very striking dreams last night. I don't remember much of the images. But, I do remember that my mother was in both of the dreams and the setting was my old house that we lived in while I was still in elementary and middle school. I remember a lot of emotions pouring into the dreams. Very intense. Very frenetic. Lots of quick cutting--if I may use a film analogy. There was a tangible sense of disapproval, of sadness, and of guilt. There were a lot of different situations mixing together. One incredible sequence I remember is hearing my sister screaming "I hate you!" over and over and over again at me. I don't remember the reason for her words but the feelings that remain are terrible. It hurts. A lot. But, I don't think my sister's actions in my dream are indicative of her feelings in real life. I've done a little psychic sleight-of-hand. Displacement. It's me screaming those words. It's me screaming those words at me. And that hurts even more.

I don't know if I have enough steel to keep my spirits up. Part of me really wants to finish my thesis work. The degree is important. It is a step along the way to accomplish what I want to do in life. One of those goals is to teach at the university level. And, unfortunately, without my degrees, I'm not going to get very far. Teaching for the past four years has given me so much energy, so much reward, so much feedback, and so much growth. How can I leave that behind me? How can I let a simple piece of paper get in my way?

On the other side, a part of me (and I think a larger part of me) really wants to cut the jesses that bind me here -- to this school, to this place, to this chapter of my life. I want to move on -- emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and perhaps geographically. I have lived in Maryland almost all of my life. I like it here. And I'm glad I'm close to my family. I have also been at the University of Maryland at College Park for my entire college career. Since 1988, I've walked the campus and tried my best to show my colors. Now, I just want to do something different. I wouldn't mind staying in the area until my sister decides on her plans after graduation and after my father decides where he wants to do. Relocation is definitely in the plans somewhere in the next couple of years. I want to remain accessible to my family. That's very important to me. So, I could stay in Maryland and continue to teach part-time at the university. But, if I leave the graduate program, I need to supplement my productivity with other goals. Furthermore, I really need to make more money. I'm totally living beyond my means.

What am I to do? What am I to do?

There is a lot of change possible in the year to come. And I want to be on top of it before it drowns me. I know my sister is going to relocate after she graduates this semester from Cornell. In fact, she plans on going to Taiwan to teach -- at least that is what she wants to do -- before she goes on to do her graduate work. She wants to live on the west coast, I think. She wants to go to school in the San Francisco area. My father's plans are up in the air, too. He really wants to go back to Taiwan. I think he wants to live part of the year in the States and part of the year in Taiwan. He has been waiting for my sister to get out of school and for me to get on my own two feet. I'm not sure how independent my sister and I will be. We're both pretty dependent on my father for support. It'll be a scary adjustment.

Meanwhile, I need to decide where I want to go with my life. I know I need to support myself. Teaching is fantastic for my soul, but not very good for my pocketbook. So, that's something to keep in mind. I think I would like to go out to the west coast, too. That, or maybe Boston. How's that for being bi-polar (or at least bi-coastal)? If my sister decides to live on the west coast and my father decides to spend part of the year in Taiwan, then life near the Pacific might be best. It would certainly make visiting a bit more convenient. However, no decisions have been cast. I am just thinking about things.

>>

What else rattles around in this cage I call a brain?

I have been feeling my age lately. I know--27--it isn't that bad. But, it is making an impact on my behavior. Most of my friends my age are scattered to the four winds. My best friends are all in different parts of the country. I have a few friends that I spend time with in the area. And then I have a lot of friends who I've made in the past year who are almost ten years younger than me. I've met a lot of people in my search to build a stronger community and support system. Unfortunately, I'm finding more and more that I'm just at a different place in my life than many of my circle. I am working on different issues. I have a different sensibility. And I've pulled away from my friends. I find it more comfortable to be by myself. And it leaves me looking for avenues where my interests, my needs, my questions, and my challenges are shared by others. How do you tell someone that you don't want to spend time with them because they're too young? I've never held fast the idea that maturity is a function of age. I don't think it is completely. But, there is something to be said about having gone through more experiences and worked through more situations.

The difficulty in age also comes up in the arena of dating. I remember a few weeks back, I was with a friend downtown at Tracks (a club) on a Thursday night (the industrial night). We decided to just hang out with each other. We were both just completely over the whole scene. So, we talked, laughed, dished, made fun of people, and just hung out. Then, it dawned on us that everyone we decided was attractive was just a nickel over puberty. To our horror, we were turning into chickenhawks. Therefore, we decided we really needed to meet more suitable people. We didn't now how we were going to accomplish such a feat, but it was and still is a noble goal.

I've got a headache now. I probably could go on for a few more pages. But, I think that's enough downloading for one evening.

I struggle on.

Wish me strength. And luck. And maybe a couple of aspirins.

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