The following online journal entries are from January 1998.
They are taken from older version of my website.
12:18 AM. Happy new year to all and to all a good night.
11:55 PM. Take a deep breath. I guess that's the best way to start this journal entry. There's a lot to tell and too much that just can't be verbalized well. First and foremost, I was working on my pages a couple of days ago and decided to update my online journal. I decided to make last month's entries a separate page--to keep an archive of sorts. Well, in my tinkering with setting all of this up, I somehow managed to completely annihilate all of my past entries. Suffice it to say, I'm not a happy camper.
But, as they say, "C'est la vie!" I am sure I'll have more than enough verbage on this page before you know it. So, I continue the process with a brand new year and a brand new page.
A lot has happened in the past week or so. I've got a lot on my mind. I find myself extremely tired in the morning regardless of how much sleep I've gotten. What does that mean? Sadly, the culprit is usually stress. The silent killer. Blessed and cursed with an avid imagination, my sleeping life is often filled with dreams. Not to sound too Jungian, I often carry what I think and worry about in my waking hours into my dreams where my problems can be worked through uninterrupted. Unfortunately, this does not leave much time for peaceful sleep.
So, I'm a wee bit tired. Though, probably not as tired as I would be if I were still drinking caffeine. I know, I know. Some people find that a bit disturbing, especially in this Generation X, Coffee House, Jolt Cola, Surge-screaming society. What's life without a cup of coffee? Well, it certainly is different. You should have seen me the first few days -- withdrawl is hell. But, I find that I'm more awake and alert now. I still have a bit of coffee every now and then. I'm not a total martyr.
What should I say? Where should I start?
It's a long story and I've got to get my thoughts together. I said previously, in the messages now lost, that the turn of the year is a pretty hard time for me. Not only are the holidays unfortunately filled with society's and familial dysfunction, but the new year is a moment of significant self-reflection. I think people get very introspective. They see a lot in themselves that they ignored the 365 days prior. Sometimes, that introspection leads to positive change. Sometimes, it's just a sad reminder and then is even more sadly forgotten.
Well, I don't forget easily. It must be the Taurus in me. I tend to brood about a lot of things. Family, friends, life, goals, insecurities, love, work, and so on. I don't think I can get into everything that I want to get into.
So, I'm going to call it a night. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a better muse.
Please keep reading. And if you haven't signed my guestbook, please do. It's important to see who has been mucking about my pages. And if you've signed it already, you can always leave additional messages. It's nice to know that someone out there is invested, even a little, in your life.
Sounds a wee bit melancholic, doesn't it?
Well, it does.
10:46 PM. Well, it's the very next day. I got up late again this morning. I keep trying to get up a normal hour so I can get a good start on my day. But, the weather is gray and I didn't sleep very well at all. Too much tossing and turning. It's very disheartening to me.
I have a few things I need to do at home. Then, I think, I'm going to get out of the house and go to school to work on my thesis and various other projects. I just need to find a different vantage point.
I watched two movies last night. First, I watched Priest, a film about a young gay Catholic priest. It was very good. British, of course. And, it is a surprising film to come out of Miramax, a subsidiary of Disney, Inc.. I guess Disney isn't as stodgy as it seems to be. Second, I watched an Irish film directed by John Sayles (very good) called The Secret of Roan Inish. Another excellent film about a young girl's return to her home on the coast of Ireland and the discovery of her long lost brother. It is a magical realist tale full of storytelling and beauty. I highly recommend both films.
In the past week or so, I've immersed myself in so many film experiences. I think it might be an attempt to stall my thesis work. Well, regardless, I've watched some great stuff. I rented an Australian film (do I detect a trend here?) called The Sum of Us, a queer film about a father and his gay son and their relationship and search for the perfect partner. It's based on a play and is cinematically very "theatrical." It's a good film. Russell Crowe, an excellent and quite handsome Australian actor who has just made it over here in films like L.A. Confidential, stars as the gay son. I also watched Wim Wender's film Wings of Desire, a German film about angels and humanity. It's slow paced and thoughtful. It is a favorite film of many of my friends and I enjoyed it. Third, I rented It's My Party, a film about a gay man's struggle with AIDS and his coming-to-terms with his inevitable death. If you want a tearjerker, watch this movie. I watched it twice in the same day. It was cathartic for me. There are times when you just need to cry, for whatever reason, and I will rent something that I know will give me the chance to vent my emotions. I'm adding this film to my list. It is excellent with a lot of cameos.
Before that set of rentals, I watched another British queer film called The Lost Language of Cranes. Excellent. It's a made-for-television movie. But, unlike our stigma in this country, the BBC makes very high quality films for distribution on television. The movie is about a young man who decides to come out to his parents. Unbeknownst to him, his father is also struggling with his sexuality. It is a good film if not for the very important fact that it addresses "coming out" as not just an adolescent or early adulthood issue. It is the first film that I have seen that talks about a man who has lived in the closet for many, many years, who has married a woman and had children. It's poignant and definitely worth seeing.
Well, I guess I'll leave my list alone for now. I have just been going crazy at the video store. I'm trying to fill my viewing repertoire as much as possible. Plus, I'm trying to get my hands on as many queer films as I can find. I'll keep sharing my thoughts about the films I see. Maybe I'll make a separate page for reviews and such. We'll see.
Anon, I'll return.
© 2001 Edmond Y. Chang. All original material. All rights reserved.
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